An Open Letter to the Seattle Mariners Baseball Club
From the Editors of Seattle Weekly
First, we want to tell you how proud we are of SAFECO Field. It is only fitting that the city with the world's richest man should have the world's most sumptuous stadium: Sweet Kentucky bluegrass, a state-of-the-art loudspeaker system, a retractable roof. . . . Though difficulties will naturally arise in this kind of undertaking, we should never lose sight of what we have created together: a world-class facility that will truly build a deeper sense of community.
We know that certain members of the media have spoken disparagingly about your latest effort to enforce your legal rights and seek additional public contributions for the construction of SAFECO Field. These people seem to forget that this is a partnership. We asked you to save major league baseball here in the Northwest. All you have ever asked in return is that we give you a great deal of money, every year. A deal's a deal.
Frankly, we here at Seattle Weekly know a thing or two about cost overruns. (The expense accounts of our reporters would make Jeff Bezos wince.) We have even occasionally had an overpriced, underperforming star on our roster. So we recognize the importance of finding someone else to pick up the tab whenever possible.
In that spirit, we would like the team ownership to consider accepting the following package of direct subsidies and in-kind contributions:
A dedicated portion of all Seattle Weekly lunchroom vending machine proceeds, including Diet Coke, Hormel Lunch-in-a-Cup, and Cheez 'n' Crackers
A 5 percent share of all profits from our Web site
A relief closer from the Seattle Weekly softball team
New ad campaign: "Why waste time reading?"
Reduced-rate "Alternatives" ad for Rob Glaser
Cherry Wong endorsement of Nintendo joystick
0.3 percent tax on anything "free"
New "Best of Seattle" category-"Best nearby country": Japan!
Royalties on the use of sports clich鳍
Adding the Mariners to our United Way charity donation cards
Cover story on the social benefits of extremely violent video games
Seattle Weekly has stepped up to the plate. We hope that the rest of the community will do so as well-not just for the sake of baseball, but for the sake of our children. Ain't baseball great?