Let's Makeup

A personally enhanced correspondence.

Note: All words in boldface are the actual names of various cosmetic products, cosmetic lines, or cosmetic companies.

Dear Mary Kay,

By now you've probably heard the unhappy rumor concerning our dear mutual friend Maybelline. Sadly, every word is true. May suffered a disastrous facelift at the hands of a Parisian plastic surgeon.

By chance, Elizabeth Arden was at the Clinique when they rushed May into Instant Beauty Care. And—brace yourself—Liz says the doctor who treated May was wearing a Deep Cleansing Mask and was frantically coloring in May's face with a Big Cover Up Concealer Pencil. Not only that, he ordered round-the-clock injections of Quick Corrector and Stress Shield Cream.

Liz e-mailed me the sordid details, and I cried so much when I read them that Rodney was calling me Moisture On-Line. Unfortunately, it gets worse. May's husband, Avon—that Exfoliating Scrub—has run off with all their money.

Oh, she'll continue to receive her Daily Eye Benefits, those were left her by her mother. But Von moved the entire Liquid Foundation to a Swiss bank. The real Turning Point, however, came long before that. You remember Von's midlife crisis—all that nonsense about wanting to be a bullfighter? He was constantly running through the house shouting, "Olay!" And their sex life was nil; May told me Von hadn't had a successful Moisture Surge in months.

Well, they worked through all that when Von's doctor prescribed Extra-Firming Night Cream, Vertical Lifting Lotion, and applications of Swiss Performing Extract. In fact, they were about to Almost Makeup when Day Radiance, the supermodel, entered the picture. Naturally, it was All About Lips, Bare Skin, and Quick Eyes. Before you could say Smudgesicle, Von was giving Day the Smooth Delivery Body Treatment and putting his newly rejuvenated Moisture Stick where it didn't belong.

I ask you, how could May compete with a Cover Girl? Especially when you consider that May was entering menopause and consequently battling her own neurotic Fruition Extra Multi-Action Complex. She couldn't get any Beauty Sleep and she was having so many hot flashes that her life was one big All Day Blush. Predictably, she gained weight, her self-esteem dropped to zero, and she started calling herself a Chubby Stick.

Tragically, she turned to spirits for relief. At first it was just a glass of Comforting Solution at dinner, but before long she wouldn't go anywhere without her flask of Millennium Revitalizing Tonic. Overnight, she turned into a Steady Drencher. It all came to a head when she met friends for a game of golf and somehow ended up in the back seat of a golf cart, totally blitzed, and having a quick fling with a Cosmetic Car Caddie.

Things got so bad she tried, unsuccessfully, to overdose on Ceramide Eye Capsules. But then, in a moment of Lucidity, she decided to Lighten Up and think seriously about Starting Over. That's when she flew to Paris and signed up for a Body Lift 2000.

Unhappily, she neglected to check the credentials of the surgeon du jour and—well, you know the rest. On the upside, the handsome young doctor who corrected her surgery (she's fine now, by the way, and looks years younger) is rich, unmarried, and apparently a sort of one-man Radiance Activator (if you catch my drift). He's been giving May such steamy Continuous Coverage that just thinking about it makes my whole Body Shimmer.

There's more, of course, but Rodney and I are meeting friends for dinner and he's standing here making all kinds of ridiculous Stop Signs. So I'll close with my usual Flawless Finish and leave you with one final thought regarding our Maybelline: Whatever happens next to the dear girl, at least there's Never a Dull Moment.



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