"Good evening, I'm Brett Sanguine . . ."
"And I'm Britney Fears. Welcome to Channel 6 Crossfire News—the news that has Seattle in its sights. Tonight's big stories . . ."
"Police have a lead on this month's skyscraper sniper."
"A plucky second-grader shows how quick thinking and a Kevlar lunchbox saved her from the rampage that decimated her class."
"President Ventura vows to place 100,000 armed hall monitors in our nation's high schools by 2007."
"An exclusive interview with Truman Gump, the Multiplex Marauder, who tells us why he'd never kill again and how he still hopes for a career in music."
"Puget Sounders show they care with blankets, toys, and bottled water for survivors of the Korean nuclear holocaust."
"Plus a special Savvy Shopper tip from Crossfire News Consumer Affairs Specialist G. Gordon Liddy: supermarket bombings—how you can avoid them."
"So stay tuned and stay alive, and we'll be back after these messages."
"Next on the Discovery Channel: the deadliest killers in the animal kingdom. Rare close-up footage as hyenas, wolverines, and Comodo dragons go for the jugular. And more of the shark attacks you've come to expect from—"
Rrrrrrrrrrr. . . . "Potholes. Piano wire. Road rage and riots, shrapnel and sharpshooters." Screeeech! "Today's city driver has to ready for anything." Brat-a-tat-tat! "That's why Dodge invented the Commando, a new concept in sport assault vehicles! With titanium doors and spent-uranium bumpers, tough enough to stop anything anyone without NATO special weapons clearance can throw at—"
". . . the History Channel's new Profiles in Mayhem. Nazi war criminals, cult sacrifices, serial killers, and terrorist bombers—all in one show!"
". . . I don't know why, Britney, but those baby pictures of mass murderers always put a lump in my throat. And remember, no one shows the human side of the news like Crossfire News—"
". . . next week on PBS: Ken Burns' long-awaited 17-part documentary Columbine. It was a story as classic as a Greek tragedy and as American as a rec-room video game. It happened five years ago, but it seems as fresh as today's headlines. Murdoch Award-winning filmmaker Ken Burns—"
"Government statistics show crime rates declined for the ninth straight year in 2004—except for mass murder, road rage, workplace violence, and schoolyard shootings."
"Too bad about those schoolyard shootings, Britney."
"That's right, Brett, but at least we still have jo—at least we're here to share these tragic moments with all of you out there."
"And provide perspective, Britney. That's very important."
"Speaking of perspective, on tonight's Issues Shoot-Out, Alex Steffen and Mark Sidran debate another big question: whether workplace rage or school violence is a bigger threat to your family."
"Nice segue, Brett. And that really is news you can use!"
". . . and for a limited time only, the home perimeter-defense kit developed by the Israeli Army for use in the most hostile territories! And if you act now, we'll throw in the Nightalight Infrared Tracking Sight, complete with GPS receiver and grip-tight microtransmitter so you'll always know where your quarry's headed! Not sold in—"
". . . and increasingly cloudy with a chance of showers, so you won't be needing any sunscreen tomorrow."
"Thanks for that weather report, Britney. And now, with Tuesday's shooting forecasts, here's Channel 6 criminologist Norm Stamper. What do we have coming out of the barrel tomorrow, Norm?"
"I give Tuesday three bullets, Brett—moderate to high probability of fatal violence. There's still a chance of copycat shootings after last week's pep-assembly spree at Theodore Bundy High School. The latest round of downsizing at Microsoft has 'em edgy over in Redmond—you know it just takes one programmer running amok to crash the system. The experts say the new Amazon Gothjock Blaster version 4.0 is so realistic, we can expect a statistical 86.5 reality-impaired gameheads to start blasting for real while they think they're still playing. And another week of traffic slowdowns while they install the new safety walls has a lot of trigger fingers itchin' out on I-5! So leave that sunscreen at home, but don't forget your Kevlar—"
". . . so don't miss Austin Powers 12: The Spy Who Fragged Me. Coming soon to an Experience Entertainment theater near you, where you can relax—because you know nothing can get past our state-of-the-art security and surveillance sys—"
"Thank you, Norm. Next week, we'll take you inside the Bundy High School massacre with a special investigative report, School Spirit: What Went Down. And tune in at 11 for Crossfire Digi-Critic Seth Warshavsky's review of Gothjock Blaster 4.0, the game so real it even scared him. Till then, from all of us here at Crossfire News, stay safe. . . ."
"And don't forget to lock and load!"