ANYONE WITH EVEN a tenuous grasp on rock history knows that CSN—David Crosby, Stephen Stills, and Graham Nash—is a group that's squabbled publicly and disbanded frequently throughout its 30 years. But occasional fourth partner Neil Young is more infamously moody than the other three combined. In the middle of his 1976 tour with Stills, Young began traveling to the venue where they were to perform in Florida, realized he was going the wrong way—then decided to keep on driving in that direction. ("Funny how some things that start spontaneously end that way," he telegrammed Stills. "Eat a peach, Neil.") That was 24 years ago, but CSNY is as irascible as ever. And who knows—Young, who's fond of creating sequels to earlier efforts decades after the originals (1972's Harvest begat 1992's Harvest Moon, for instance), might well pull the same stunt again. Of course, Seattle Weekly sincerely hopes this isn't the case. But if it is, we've offered this helpful guide to possible last-minute replacements, with an eye toward minimizing ticket and advertising reprints.
ADVANTAGES OVER NEIL
MOST RADICAL CHANGE FROM CSNY NORM
HIGHLIGHT OF SHOW
NADIR OF SHOW
Jazz saxophone great
Equally inspired and much more fluent soloist
Embalming fluid replaces hash oil in backstage rider
Crosby rapping about "really missing Garcia, man" in gross misunderstanding of the nature of Lester's "Deadness"
CSN's note-perfect, stupid-sounding background coos on special "rock" arrangement of "Lester Leaps In"
Far better rhythmically, just as agile lyrically
Most CSNY fans think "Bust a Move" refers to when the cops showed up before their stash was hidden
Big-booty backup dancers
"Ohio," with extra verses about police brutality
Derisive hoots greeting Young M.C.'s solo turns
LA MONTE YOUNG
Avant-classical composer known as the "father of minimalism"
More daringly primitivist and atonal
Nobody else understands what the hell is going on
Four-hour concert consists of just one note
CSN's harmonies more blissful than ever thanks to LaMonte's just intonation-created overtones
Massive walkouts from people who weren't counting on a CSNY concert to sound like Neil's feedback-montage CD, Arc
Action film star
Kicks Neil's (and everyone else's) ASS!!!
Plenty of stage presence but can't sing, play guitar, etc.
Brooding overture before band appears onstage
Taking Stills out when he starts getting a little too mouthy
Show only lasts 20 minutes (see highlight)
DENNIS DE YOUNG
The brains behind Styx
Sings in key
Sucks big time
Medley of "Come Sail Away" and "Wooden Ships"
CSN sound silly chanting "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto"
THE YOUNG GODS
Switzerland's extremist, sample-wielding punks
Heavy use of samples=larger sonic spectrum for group
Screaming vocals disrupt mellow vibe
"Woodstock" interspersed throughout with sound bites from original festival
The look on CSN's face when singer Franz Treichler opens his mouth and roars
Treichler carving "CSNYG" into his chest
Detroit techno DJ/producer
In touch with what the young people of today actually listen to
85% of the CSNY crowd doesn't care what the young people of today actually listen to
Never have the beats been anywhere near this prominent
Massive 303 riffs underpinning "Our House" = "Our House Mix"
Hard-driving beats find disfavor with free-form hippie dancers
No Limit soldier
Crosby raps better than this guy
"Deja Vu" rewritten by Bleed to celebrate the strip-club chain
Guest appearances by Master P, Mystikal, Snoop Dogg
Bleed's extra verses assure that "Love the One You're With" is more sexist than ever