Bitchy beach

Are you as sick of Leonardo DiCaprio as I am? His overwhelming popularity among young women and gay men is mystifying. He might be a better actor than, say, Keanu Reeves, but he's not really much of a sex god. Certainly not sexy enough for the $20 million which he reportedly received for his latest role in The Beach. I mean, the guy doesn't even have eyebrows that match the color of his hair; he's like Groucho Marx with a tan. In Newsweek, Kate Winslet of Titanic revealed that kissing Leo was like kissing her baby brother; Claire Danes of Romeo + Juliet said the on-screen chemistry between her and L. dissolved once the camera stopped rolling.

The Beach has gotten mixed reviews, mostly because people expected it to be as good as the novel by Alex Garland on which it was based. Well, you know you should never expect the movie to be as good as the book. It's a completely different medium, duh. Apples and oranges. The book was thoughtful and profound; the movie is as deep as a kiddie pool, but it's still great eye candy with some unforgettable scenes. Which brings me to Virginie Ledoyen, costar of The Beach, who steals the show from 20-million-dollar man-boy. She's beautiful, she's French, and she looks absolutely dewy in a string bikini. I also like her because she's as flat-chested as I am. It doesn't stop her from going topless in one scene, making all the men yelp. A-cups have never looked so good on film.

Ah, Virginie Ledoyen, vous 괥s magnifique! I want to be with you, ma cherie. I want to be you, dammit!

I dream that we are on a remote beach where we'd start a peaceful community of small-breasted women. We'd keep slaves like Leo and Keanu and maybe even Ewan McGregor and suave British gayboy Rupert Everett to fish, hunt, and grow pot for us. At night, we'd eat, smoke, and skinny-dip in the moonlight. We'd have the men massage our backs and lick our toes. Sometimes we'd let them rim us, but we'd never let them fuck us, because we wouldn't want to get pregnant on the deserted island. That would be a major damper on the party. Unless, of course, our slaves had been vasectomized, in which case we'd fuck them whenever the mood struck us.


I've gotten many interesting letters regarding last week's paean to gay men, but one male reader asked a baffling question: "What does one call a guy who likes to hang out with lesbians? There isn't really a satisfactory male equivalent for the term fag hag."

Hmm. How about deluded? The few straight men I know who hang out with lesbians do so because they think they can get some bisexual three-way action. Not to say that fag hags aren't deluded either. However, most straight men are still too uncomfortable with gender bending to hang out with gays and lesbians. It's not enough of a social phenomenon to have its own catchy term—at least not yet. Unless you or someone else out there can think of one. Any suggestions?

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