MASTER USE PROJECT: 776544FTS
ADDRESS: 201 S. KING ST.
Applicant Contact: Governor Gary Locke, King County Executive Ron Sims, Ex-Mayor Norm Rice, Paul Allen, Seattle P-I Editorial Board, Bob Gogerty, Our Team Works, Let's Dupe the Public, League of Women Voters, Tony Ventrella.
DCLU is conducting an environmental review of the following project: construction of a 72,000-seat open-air stadium at a public cost of $325 million. Project includes luxury boxes; sky suites; corporate hospitality rooms; catered "golden circle" zones; executive lounges; Silicon penthouses; private helicopter pads; day spas; casino gambling; champagne water slides; and drafty unheated all-weather aluminum bleacher seating for unaffiliated, non-NASDAQ-listed ticket buyers.
Beer to cost $5 for each tiny, lukewarm, watered-down plastic cup; pizza to cost $10 a slice; earthquake safety to be determined. Season tickets available to purchasers meeting minimum net worth requirements and pre-approved by Mr. Allen's investment advisors.
Stadium to be used for: football; Promise Keepers rallies; monster truck shows; women's pro soccer games; Moonie mass weddings; Tony Robbins "Personal Power" motivational seminars; motocross racing; miniature equestrian events; high school football championships; Boeing machinists union assemblies; WWF grudge matches; Microsoft enemy-awareness mobilization rallies; Boy Scout jamborees; Evel Knievel grandchildren school bus jumps; weekend paintball shooting tournaments; Billy Graham crusades; and concerts deemed appropriate by ownership, including Michael Bolton, the Rolling Stones, Santana, the Eagles, the Beach Boys (surviving members only), Hendrix tribute bands, and Crosby, Stills and Nash.
Project may include special unannounced "Paul and Friends-Only Days," when Seahawks game attendance will be limited to Mr. Allen, his Hollywood retinue, and Christina Aguilera. Project entails that all food concession products be sampled, approved, and named by Mr. Allen, and shall include Purple Haze Shakes, Voodoo Chili, Are You Experienced Burgers, Foxy Gravy, and Let Me Stand Next to Your Fries.
Project revenues from this public-private partnership will be allocated as follows: 100 percent to Paul Allen. Project includes 0 units of residential housing, 0 arts facilities, 0 parks, and 0 off-leash areas. Mr. Allen retains the right to develop the remaining two city blocks north of the stadium for any profitable purpose he damn well pleases. Project also includes 325,000-square-foot exhibition hall for boat shows, gun shows, auto shows, hunting shows, fishing shows, RV shows, snowmobile shows, dog shows, cat shows, and philatelic conventions, and includes parking garage for 2,000 cars at rates easily affordable to employees of Amazon, RealNetworks, or Vulcan Ventures (company discount applies).
Project entails March 26 demolition of perfectly good existing 66,000-seat, 24-year-old engineering marvel for which we still owe $127 million in public debt. Project also requires removal of all adjacent Dome-related products and services, and of Dome-themed taverns or sports bars. Merchants who continue to project such non-"first-class" images are subject to prosecution by Mr. Allen.
Public comment period has ended, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. To submit written comments or obtain additional information, you can go suck an egg. You voted for it, Seattle, and now you're going to pay for it.