This is the official form for all people at this address. It is quick and easy, and your answers are protected by law. However, incorrect


United States Census 2000

This is the official form for all people at this address. It is quick and easy, and your answers are protected by law. However, incorrect answers are punishable by law and frivolous answers are subject to arrest and/or firebombing by ATF agents.

1. How many people are staying in your house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2000? __

INCLUDE in this number:

foster children, roomers, or housemates


hostage takers

anyone recently featured on America's Most Wanted

flesh-eating zombies under the stairs or in the attic

conjoined twins (surgically separated)

DO NOT include in this number:

the people you're watching on TV

multiple personalities

your pets (including rodents, rabbits, and ferrets)

imaginary friends

the voices in your head

conjoined twins

2. Is this house, apartment, or mobile home—

__owned by you or someone in this household with a mortgage or loan?



__purchased with no money down thanks to financial wizard Carlton Sheets?

__equipped with high-wattage mercury-vapor halogen lights and/or crystal meth lab in the basement?

__being used as a squat?

__a college dormitory, freeway overpass, yurt, radical feminist/anarchist collective, or refrigerator box?

3. What is your sex?

__Male __Female __Oprah guest

4. What are you wearing?

5. Is that all?

6. What is your religion?




__Wicca/Animist/Pantheist/Occultist/Satanist/Spiritual Work-in-Progress/Self-Worshipper


If you checked Buddhist, would you like $5,000 to go to the Vice President's Presidential Campaign Fund?

7. How would you describe your ethnicity?


__African American/Black/Pitch Black/Oreo

__Hispanic/Latino/Hot 'n' Spicy

__American Indian/Native American/Dispossessed

__Extraterrestrial/ Hollow Earth Dweller

__All of the above

__None of the above

__Any of the above, as it suits your mood or that of your online sex buddy

If unable to describe your ethnicity, what's your favorite ethnic cuisine?____________

8. Of the people enumerated in question 1, how would you describe Person 2? (Person 1 is you.)

__husband/wife/domestic partner

__natural-born son/daughter

__ungrateful and unnatural-born son/daughter

__child raised by wolves who one day appeared at your door

__result of genetic engineering experiment gone horribly wrong

__clone (or clone of clone, or clone of clone of clone)

__brother/sister/hated sibling

__father/mother/strange person always in bathroom

__fat lazy drunken no-good bastard who's only useful for his/her welfare benefits/disability check each month

__fugitive from justice/escapee from chain gang/D.B. Cooper

__nameless S&M bondage slave

__evil twin

__not-so-evil twin



__live-in barista

__the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and JonBenet Ramsey


9. Please explain why you're still living with your parents.


__still grounded for sneaking out to Ozzy Osbourne concert in '82

__unable to cook or wash own laundry


__interviewed poorly at Amazon

__condition of parole

10. How many fingers am I holding up?



__all of the above

11. Check that your wife/husband/domestic partner isn't looking, then please specify—

__if you're sexually unsatisfied

__looking for action

__your favorite adult movies____________

__your phone number___________

__your e-mail address__________

__a good time for us to contact you________________

12. What's your annual income?_______

13. How would you like to make three times that amount, working as your own boss from the comfort and privacy of your home?

__Yes, please send me information about this unlimited income opportunity

14. Have you ever voted for H. Ross Perot, Lyndon LaRouche, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, George W. Bush, or Lenora Fulani?



__I was brainwashed

__It was the '60s and I was high on acid at the time

15. If you answered "yes," would it change your vote significantly, somewhat, or not at all if you knew that George W. Bush was a draft-dodger and cokehead whose SAT scores wouldn't have gotten him into ag school—let alone Yale—if it weren't for Daddy?

__Yes, significantly

__Yes, somewhat


16. Which of the following onerous and unnecessary federal laws, programs, or protections would you favor discontinuing?

__The First Amendment

__The Fourth Amendment

__The Nineteenth Amendment

__Antitrust laws

__The Monroe Doctrine

__The home mortgage interest deduction

__Anti-bigamy and -polygamy laws

__School prayer

__High school condom distribution

__Interstate highway speed limits

__FAA carry-on restrictions

__The federal debt calculated to more than round trillions

__Public television and radio pledge drives


__All of the above

Failure to answer all questions fully and truthfully may result in surprise tax audits, incarceration, or deportation. Remember, we know where you live.

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