Like a virgin—Not!!!

I got hate mail! OK, it's more like dislike mail, but still—I am so excited. While most of the letters I've received have been positive, one reader was a tad peeved when I suggested that a 30-year-old virgin was a prime candidate for therapy. Check it out:

As one of those men who waited more than three decades to lose his virginity, I'm kind of taken aback by your comments suggesting that something is probably wrong with a man who's chosen to be celibate that long.

I chose to stay celibate for simple reasons. First, I simply didn't feel the urge to get physically intimate with a woman. Second, none of the women I had dated up until the time I lost my virginity connected with me in any way that moved me to think about getting physically intimate. Third, so many of my friends and others I knew got into trouble with unplanned pregnancies that I was afraid I would run into the same trouble. Fourth and finally, the lessons I learned in Catholic school stuck more than 12 years after I graduated.

And you know, after the experience I had with the woman with whom I lost my virginity, I wish I had waited until I was married. I can clearly see how we weren't emotionally ready to handle the fallout from having sex. Our relationship slowly spiraled downward in the six months after we chose to have sex. We broke up. I fell in love with another wonderful woman less than six weeks later—and now we're engaged to be married this summer. Not all of us who choose to wait to lose our virginity are flawed. Or screwed up. Or in need of therapy.

Whatta ya got gold in them pants or what? Loosen up, honey—sex is fun. Yeah, it can be a transcendently beautiful experience shared by two people who love each other deeply (whatever)—or it can be a nasty sweaty fuck pressed against a parked car in the 7-Eleven parking lot. Your choice, but either way, there is no good reason for you to have waited so long.

First, if you didn't feel the urge to be physically intimate with a woman, did you ever consider being physically intimate with a man? That is an option, ya know. And if the thought of Keanu in a slick set of Speedos doesn't rock your world and the image of Uma wearing nothing but a smile leaves you cold, perhaps you have a chemical imbalance going on.

Second, if none of the women you dated gave you a stiffy, well, quit going out with ugly chicks. Hell, I've gone out with ugly guys—even lived with one for a while—but the idea is to date people that you're attracted to. Those that you hang out with but are not attracted to generally fall under the category of friend.

Third, while it's true that the only way you are going to avoid any chance of pregnancy is to abstain, birth control is widely available and, if used correctly, is highly effective in preventing that situation.

Fourth, as for the lessons learned in Catholic school—eek! Where do I begin? A Pupil of the Penguins myself, I am puzzled at your willingness to swallow doctrine emanating from a church that has paid out millions to victims of pederast priests. The only lesson I took with me from Catholic school is to always wear gym shorts under my uniform so when Father Pervert (not his real name) picked me up and flipped me over in front of the class, nobody could see my panties.

And the woman you broke up with six months after you decided to have sex—I guarantee that she would've dumped your ass about five and a half months earlier if you'd continued the Pauly Purebread routine.

Now I imagine there probably is something to be said for keeping it in your pants. I just picked up a book called The History of Celibacy and it's jam-packed with people throughout history not doing it—the author even confesses that she's taken this route. But speaking as someone who has been celibate for a while (completely against my will, I might add), I just don't get it.

The most tragic part of your tale is that men hit their sexual peak at 17! You're in your 30s, and the only one who enjoyed your youthful tumescence was Rosie Palm and her five sisters—unless you also believed the nuns when they told you you'd go blind. I'm glad you're happy and in love and going to be forever wed to the perfect woman, but I'll bet she's glad that some other broad had the treat of breaking you in.

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