IMAX to the MAX

Tammy Faye to the MAX: Rivers of mascara tears! Lashes the size of two-by-fours! Enough makeup to paint an entire neighborhood of houses! Tammy Faye's life has been one big Holy Roller-coaster ride, so hold on to your hairpiece as she's baptized (again), preaches to the converted, and—with the help of a hidden IMAX camera—catches her new husband with a 60-foot-tall transvestite. A freak show this large needs a big, big tent!

Elian to the MAX: Just when you thought this story couldn't get any bigger, here it is! See adorable Eliᮧs pretty eyes open IMAX-wide as gun-toting Feds take you on their early morning raid! See politicians on both side of the Eliᮠdivide pander and prevaricate to epic proportions! (Note: Due to special wide-screen footage of Fidel Castro's rambling tirades, the film runs just over 14 hours.)

3-D Baywatch to the MAX: At last—the babes of Baywatch inflated to their maximum proportions! You wish Mt. Rushmore had this kind of relief! Watch out for low-flying aircraft, Pamela! (Seismologists take note that beach-running jiggle shots may cause minor earthquakes.)

Tom Cruise to the MAX: The folks at IMAX have finally found a way to make this lilliputian leading man seem life-size. Finally his proportions match his paycheck and swagger. (Note: Leading ladies are not to scale; Nicole Kidman must still stand in trench to kiss her husband.)

Vin Baker's Butt to the MAX: This is a big man on a big screen, baby! See how many Dick's burgers $87 million dollars can getcha in this expand-o-matic expos鮠You'll understand what all-star ass is all about. (Narrated by Kevin Calabro.)

Barney to the MAX: Take an overblown, huggable T-Rex, stretch his purple suit 10 stories tall, and you've got yourself an even more enormous cash cow (cash dino, anyway). I love you THIS MUCH!!! Scaled-down plush toy measures 20' x 7'. Flatbed truck shipping and handling extra.

Tiger Woods to the MAX: With sand traps the size of the Sahara, the green seems 8,000 miles away on this par 725 course. Might want to use an 45-iron on this bad boy, Tiger. Is that a putter or a redwood?

Jenny Craig to the MAX: Spokespersons Monica Lewinsky and ex-Duchess of York Fergie give maximum exposure to their before-and-after weight loss photos. This gigantic film is guaranteed to help your own dieting—once you see those battleship-sized thighs, you won't eat for a month! "Broad cinema at its best!" raves Rex Reed.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince to the MAX: He's a little Napoleon who wanted to be bigger—and now he finally is! At last, after Cherry Moon, a film to match his colossal ego! Filmed at Paisley Park, this film was written, scored, narrated, edited, and directed by himself.

WTO to the MAX: A documentary account of the big-screen Battle in Seattle. Leave the 3-D glasses at home, grandma, cause this ain't no picnic. It's tear gas central—big, loud, and in your face. Benzyl canisters the size of Volkswagens will make your eyes water no matter how tight you've strapped that gas mask! With the IMAX theater's innovative seat-motion rocker, you'll probably also want to wear a protective cup for that famous crotch-kicking shot. OOOOooof!

Kingdome Implosion to the MAX: If you liked the Mount St. Helens IMAX flick, you'll love this! Make sure to bring your plastic baggies and hard hats, cuz this film's interactive to the MAX! Tons of Kingdome soot, ashes, and falling tiles have been trucked in for you to fully experience our favorite concrete mushroom's detonation on the big screen.

Guppies to the MAX: Sharks are pantywaists in the freshwater world of evil carp, sinister sturgeon, and the ever-present menace of goldfish. Hell, anything's scary when projected on a 90-foot-tall screen. Watch out—that minnow looks mean!

Howard Stern to the MAX: The biggest mouth needs the biggest canvas, with lofty lesbians, towering wet T-shirt contests, and Brobdingnagian porno stars. It's Howard with a maw the size of a subway tunnel—and just as dirty. Sponsored by Vivid Video and Advil.

Gary Coleman to the MAX: Pint-sized no more! The lovable, spunky child star of Diff'rent Strokes is even funnier as an 80-foot-tall adult delinquent. Zoom in on the G-man's towering five o'clock shadow and elevator shoes the size of, well, elevators as the 30-year-old Coleman goes about his business. What'choo lookin' at?

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire to the MAX: I'd call a friend, but this damn phone is the size of a semi! For some reason, a paltry million bucks looks a lot better on the big, big screen. Is that your final answer—or is your neck just sore?

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