Limp Chimp

Hello Dategirl,

I have a situation that has left me very nervous about having sex again. I am 32 years old and have had maybe 10 encounters in my entire life. Prior to this most recent event, it had been almost five years since I last had sex. Here's the problem: After having chatted with a woman over the Web, she expressed her desire to meet me for an intimate encounter. She was very pretty, and normally I could get a hard-on just dreaming about having sex with her. But when we were cuddling, kissing, and fondling each other, I just could not stay hard. I don't know if it was the fact that I was nervous or what. She said it happens to a lot of men. I kept trying to relax and get him ready for action but no matter how hard he'd get, he'd flab out when I'd try to use him. After nearly two hours of this, I finally got off by jerking him off myself. Although this was a rather depressing fact of our encounter, I more than made up for it as I enjoyed having the chance to eat a woman out for the first time. She had so many orgasms she lost count. I counted at least eight. But I have concerns about my inability to remain hard. Was she telling the truth or lying to make me feel better?

—Flaccid in Fremont

Where to start. . . . First off, after five years of no sexual contact, this encounter was destined to go one of two ways. Scenario one has your dick making a preemptive strike and soaking your Levis before you even said your hellos. Scenario two is the one you described. The penis is a very temperamental organ, and its tumescence is affected by any number of factors—liquor, drugs, nerves, weather, age. But it sounds like your problem was most likely anxiety. And the sad fact is, the more you worry about it, the less likely you are to get it up. I completely sympathize; after five years of only yourself to play with, this was a big disappointment. But at the same time, I wouldn't let it scare you off sex. This is not an uncommon situation—an unfortunate situation, yes; uncommon, no. So even if she was trying to make you feel better (which is very considerate of her), she wasn't lying.

I'm assuming that she's a nice young lady and you're going to see her again. Next time, don't spank the monkey for a day or two before the date. Though it's not like you're going to run dry, it's always good to have a little extra in the tanks. And try to relax. Sex is not an Olympic sport (yet), and as I keep repeating, it's supposed to be fun. Perhaps have a glass of wine or a hit off a joint before you meet her. (But don't drink too much liquor or you'll end up with what the Brits charmingly refer to as "Brewer's Droop," and then nobody'll be happy.)

The fact that you gave this woman at least eight orgasms by "eating her out" is to be applauded. (But can we not use that phrase? It just skeeves me.) At first I was a little skeptical that a man who'd never gone south before was capable of giving a woman one (let alone eight!) orgasms and thought that she was probably faking it. But everyone I spoke to said I was a nasty, cynical bitch and that I should just congratulate you on a job well done. So, congratulations. Sounds like you're a natural. Going down on a woman properly is a rare and beautiful thing, and lots of chicks need that to get off anyway. So you did the right thing, champ! Way to go!

The thing I found a tad troubling about your letter is your relationship with your body. You finally had to jerk "him" off? "He'd flab out"? Who is this mysterious "he"? Your invisible friend? A third party you forgot to mention? I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that you're talking about your dick. Your penis is a part of your body, not a separate entity deserving its own pronoun.

When you learn to fire a handgun, the instructor tells you to think of the weapon as an extension of your arm. This helps with aim and control. I'm assuming you've got the aim portion of our lesson down, but you need to work on control. My advice is to think of your own little (or large) Love Gun as an extension of your body. Become one with your dick. Ohm shanti!

Tumescence! Write or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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