The Metro Gnome

Hey all you musicians out there. The Gnome's got an assignment for you, and it's very, very important. You must stop writing those sappy love songs and/or those homages to your friggin' cars, and concentrate on a new topic entirely. A topic that's quite delicious, actually. The topic is hamburgers! Yes, your faithful correspondent has tracked down the details behind the "Wendy's Search for Sizzlin' Sounds Contest" and now we must all try to bring the prize home to Seattle. Well, the prizes, as it turns out, are an appearance on The Late, Late Show with Craig Kilborn (you know, the guy who sneaks on to your screen just before you switch from Letterman to Conan) or a recording session with some guy named Wynn Jackson, president of Country Club Enterprises—whatever that is. The prestige, however, is huge! I mean, Seattle's got great bands and tasty burgers (albeit at Red Mill, not at Wendy's), so we should have the best song about burgers, right? It's a no-brainer: The Murder City Devils could do something like "Cheeseburgers and Whiskey"; Modest Mouse could try "The Line at the Drive-thru in the Desert is Too Long." Other suggestions? Death Cab for Cutie's "Make Mine a Veggie Burger"; Pedro the Lion's "Jesus Likes His with Cheese"; the Makers' "Stop Eating that Meat and Pay Attention to Me!"; Heather Duby's "Charbroiled (Steve Fisk mix)." OK, enough of this. On to the rules:

Record the song on a cassette, write out the lyrics, and put it all in a package to:, 640 N LaSalle St Suite 560, Chicago, IL 60610, Attn: "Sizzlin' Sounds of Hamburgers" Contest. Or, for those e-savvy bands, send an MP3 file along with the lyrics to The deadline is August 31. Win, Seattle, win!

Has anybody ever wondered why this city's only got like three women-fronted bands? Is it because they're all in Olympia?

Lloyd Cole, whose most popular album is now something like 16 years old, showed up at the Crocodile one night early for the '80s cover night/Jampac benefit. But the nice folks at the Croc let him play anyway, and he turned in two sets that spanned his career. He also whined about turning 40 and played some non-'80s covers, such as Bob Dylan's "I Don't Believe You (She Acts Like We Never Have Met)," which he claimed must've been written while Bob was high because it didn't make any sense. What? Lloyd, old man, that's one of the best bitter break-up songs ever, and it's pretty close to a linear narrative, for chrissakes. Otherwise, Mr. Cole pleased the Gnome and the devotees in the crowd, though his insecure, stop-and-start, Elliott Smith-like performance almost earned him a thrashing. When people pay 15 smackers, they wanna hear the whole song, not a bit of it and an excuse for not knowing the words anymore. You betcha!

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