Citizen John

Being the sensitive guy of the new millennium that I am, I recently felt a strong urge to break out and experience more than manhood had to offer me. I wanted to explore my feminine side; I mean, there has to be more to life than cheap beer and spitting for distance. I decided to witness the miracle of birth. It just so happened that my sister-in-law was having a baby, so it was a perfect time to cross this threshold. I would witness a woman bringing the miracle of life into this world, to see where each and every one of us comes from. No longer would this man be sitting in the waiting room with the other fathers who were excluded from this process. I walked into that delivery room to share in one of the greatest moments in a woman's life, to look God right in the eyes and not blink. Indeed, I couldn't blink: There was a gargantuan vagina displayed before me and a reptilian creature clawing and scratching its way out of this bloody mess. No man belonged in this room; doctors belonged in this room. A lot of doctors, with towels to cover up all the dirty things you never see when babies are delivered on TV. Women who had been through this trauma should have been all around the bed telling their stories and convincing my sister-in-law she wasn't about to explode. But I was the first to see my niece, and also the first to vomit in front of her. Men could never handle having a baby themselves, let alone being a woman; we can't even manage to understand women. We need to accept that they are stronger, smarter, and better. Men should not be allowed within 200 yards of anything that might be the least bit painful or disturbing, childbirth being at the top of that list. I revisited this revelation while listening to the new Sleater-Kinney CD, All Hands on the Bad One (Kill Rock Stars). The intensity and raw power that this band brings on this and all of their past releases is overwhelming. I asked myself if I'd be this amazed if they were an all-boy band. Then I

remembered the calm smile on my sister-in-law's face as my beautiful niece crawled out from inside her and I threw up all over the nurse.

Listen to John give birth on the air Monday through Friday 6-10am on 90.3 FM KCMU and live on the Web at

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