Citizen John

I'm a summer-school veteran, having been forced to attend from 1987 to 1991. The circumstances that led to this impressive run are either still under investigation or totally fictitious stories that others have concocted to explain things—the way they do with global warming and the demise of Alice in Chains. At no time was I forced to attend summer school simply to keep me from "displaying myself" in my hometown's many colorful and decorative fountains. One summer day while sitting in class on a 90-degree afternoon, I noticed, along with my physical education instructor turned geometry wizard, that I was the only student in attendance. The entire class of 15-year-old mothers, drug kingpins, and burnouts was missing. The next day I rushed in to see if I'd been the odd man out of a summer-school suicide pact, but instead found 29 severely sunburned colleagues, all proudly wearing their "Monsters of Rock" T-shirts. Each and every one of these little anarchists had a note saying they'd been home sick the day before. After class, they all beat the hell out of me because they thought I gave away where they'd really been. My fellow detainees never realized that the shirts gave them away—probably because they couldn't read them. This summer in the Northwest we are blessed. The "Monsters of Rock" tour may be a memory, but we have good, clean, massive musical celebrations throughout the summer—events such as WOMAD and Bumbershoot. Those poor souls who follow in my footsteps of "continued education" should be able to attend these weekend events and won't have to worry about showing up red and branded with a souvenir of summer on their backs. And the one geek who doesn't go the festival won't have to pull his own teeth out of his ass to explain himself.

Listen to John explain himself every morning from 6-10am on 90.3 FM KCMU or on the Web at

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