I've received a mini-deluge of letters from allegedly "nice" guys whining that women only like men who are assholes and treat them like shit. If I get one more of these, I swear that I am going to rip my hair out. So stop it! This week I am going to solve everyone's problem.
Why won't men have sex with me more than once? I am a pretty 34-year-old woman who has lots of one-night stands, but the only guys who call me back are scary ones I wish wouldn't. Should I not have sex the first time? Am I doing something wrong?
Honey, you are a slut. Now there's nothing wrong with being a slut, but that's why the men aren't calling you back. You see, the vast majority of men are utterly retarded. They are perfectly willing to take you home and fuck you senseless, but by virtue of the fact that you fucked them back, they figure there must be something horribly wrong with you. There are a bazillion clich鳠about this scenario: "what's good for the goose," "any club that'll have me," etc. Ever hear of the madonna/whore complex? Take it from a reluctant madonna—it's much more fun being a whore. For one, you get to have sex (lucky you!). For another, you look great because you've always got that post-poke glow.
But being a whore can be a nasty business. Generally, slutting around involves having sex with a stranger. While this in itself can be half the fun—you've never heard them fart, haven't met their evil imaginary twin, don't yet know about that unfortunate period of incarceration in their past—it can also be unnerving. I went home with a guy once only to discover that he was wearing a bulky pair of tan support hose under his baggy trousers! (He was also hung like a fireplug, so I did him anyway, but still.) Unless you have bizarre psychic powers, you absolutely cannot predict how a man is going to behave after he gets his dick wet. One of my favorite lines of all time came from a self-proclaimed nice guy who declared (after exhibiting wretched postcoital behavior), "I am a nice guy—but I'm a bad, bad man." These psychos will be nightmares whether they're bar pickups or you wait till your seventeenth date to give up the goods. You just can't tell.
I realize this is radical advice coming from me, and I'm not saying this because I think promiscuous sex is morally wrong or any such crap, but you might be better off avoiding sex for a (brief) while and getting to know the men you are interested in prior to seeing them naked. It's funny how finding out some stud's innermost thoughts can alleviate those pesky feelings of lust and longing. Imagine finding out your latest crush attends church on a weekly basis and has an unnaturally close relationship with his mother. Suddenly your fuck monkey is just kind of yucky. Warning: This can also work in the reverse—you can end up smitten with someone who you thought of as just another midlevel cutie until you found out that he's also read (and adored) the complete works of Alexander Trocchi, is planning on voting for Ralph Nader (yay!), and actually owns your favorite car of all time, a '64 Chevy Impala. Then you're screwed before you've even gotten laid. (But don't worry because this hardly ever happens.)
Because you, my slutty friend, will quickly tire of all this getting-to-know-you bullshit and be back to your trampy ways within days, I have a proposal for you. The next time you're all hopped up and horny, grab the shyest, most maladjusted man you can locate and bang him till he begs you to stop. In fact, I am pleading with all my lovely female readers out there—have sex with a man who you've always thought of as just a friend. I can't begin to tell you how sad and lonely these guys are. On the upside, these dudes never get laid so they're probably hornier than your average guy. The fact that they're desperate means that they're malleable and you can probably get them to do anything. Once you've exhausted them sexually, I wouldn't be surprised if you could talk them into doing the dishes and walking the dog. Plus, it'll get them off my back.
I'm looking for the foulest, most disgusting thing that's ever happened to you while having (or attempting to have) sex. Don't hold back. Write email@example.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle WA 98104.
Dategirl Live! I'll be fielding all your love and sex questions live on "Jon Benet's Crackhouse" Monday, August 21, from 6-7pm, at http://www.wfmu.org.