The Culture Bunker

Well, it took until the very last minute of the Democratic National Convention, but we finally have a solid reason to vote for Al—did you see all those babes up on the podium after the speech? We're particularly smitten with this raven-haired beauty who must be part of the Lieberman clan. Married to the son, perhaps. Or maybe she's the original daughter, in which case we'd like to get a look at Mrs. Lieberman v.1 (Hadassah's kid doesn't do it for us—it's too easy to picture her walking down Eastern Parkway in a long skirt and white stockings). And it's a clich鬠but you can't overlook Those Gore Girls. Even though Kristen hasn't quite blossomed like her oldest sister, she writes for Futurama, and you know our attitude: Some things are more important than looks. Hell, we're even down with Tipper these days. She's become the Linda McCartney of politics. (To further the analogy: Al is Paul, Bill is John, and Hillary is, of course, Yoko. Pushing the envelope a tad, Rahm Emanuel is George, Madeleine Albright is Ringo, and oh yes, George Stephanopoulos = Pete Best.) We look forward to Tipper's line of all-natural, cruelty-free Prozac.

Now that it's time for the real campaign, we'd like to know if W. was also in Skull and Bones. He is, after all, a legacy, just like Kent Dorfman. No one else wants to bring it up, but we feel compelled to ask, as we once did about his father, if we really want a president whose background includes Cream the Cracker and Thank You Sir May I Have Another.

And speaking of Yalie jerkoffs, we remain unamused by Lieberman. He's a landsman, sure, but he's also a pious neoconservative drip. Senator Joe dissed our man Bill (despite the fact that he dumped his first wife with two teenage kids), he's an Imus regular, and worst of all, he's an active proponent of the V Chip who sits on the board of the PTC, perhaps the foulest—and most powerful—censorship group to cross our paths since . . . well, the PMRC. We're truly worried that the Gore/Lieberman administration will take away our right to yell "Suck it!" at the top of our lungs. You may well see your humble correspondents flung into some scary camp with everyone who revels in saying the unsayable: Eminem, Howard Stern, Vince McMahon . . . and that's just the whiteys! It's one thing to hate the WWF—hell, we understand, and even appreciate, that on some levels—but Holy Joe has a hard-on for Friends, which he thinks is too sexy for its time slot. This guy just hates Thursdays!

People, this pursuit of "morality" will destroy us all. If it wasn't for the fact that Rehnquist and Stevens will be turning in their resignation the morning after Bush takes office, we would officially endorse Nader. Besides, we figure Bush is a one-term prez—it's a family tradition, dontcha know—so we are looking ahead to the next election. Only then will our dream POTUS ascend to the position that is rightfully his: William Weld in 2004! As a Democrat! With Peter Rowan playing the inauguration!

Hey, that reminds us: Remember when Clinton won his first term and Soul Asylum played the MTV shindig? Remember Soul Asylum? Incidentally, the PTC's top three most offensive shows are, by a remarkable coincidence, our three current favorites: Smackdown, Family Guy, and Action. Does this make us immoral? No? How about this? We'd like to take turns doing butt stuff to Karenna while Tommy Lee Jones watches. In fact, Tommy Lee can watch too!*

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