The Pet Lady

Dear Pet Lady,

As my cat ages, his meow has devolved from a cute "mew" to something more closely resembling a human scream. How do I get him to quit yelling?

Wearing Earplugs

Dear Plugs,

Ah, yes. The Pet Lady herself had occasion recently to visit our own Woodland Park Zoo here in our fine, fine city. It was a crisp autumn day, the Pet Lady was accompanied by a strapping young man, and the zoo was crowded with humans who have not the slightest idea of proper parenting. When the Pet Lady heard one parental figure say to a very small human, "If you hit me again, you'll get a spanking," she could only glare in disgust. And we wonder what's wrong with modern youth.

Conversely, the Pet Lady and companion were charmed by the Sun Bears, sweet little bears who—according to zoo signage—were rescued from cramped quarters in Borneo. The bears now spend the bulk of their time happily eviscerating oranges that, to them, must seem to fall from the sky (but are actually hurled from above by zoo personnel). Per the explanatory signage, sometimes they pace and shake their heads, recalling their former circumstances in despair. But for the most part, under the hail of oranges and other zoo-provided enrichment, they are content.

The Pet Lady

Dear Pet Lady,

My husband wants to get a puppy in the hopes that caring for it together will save our foundering marriage. I tell him that's no substitute for a good sex life. What do you think?

Can't Buy Me Love

Dear Love,

The cougars, on the other hand, paced endlessly, wildly, in their grievously petite hurricane-fenced enclosure. The Pet Lady was moved to tears but—alas!--had forgotten her handkerchief. The cougars need to run and run and run, and then pounce on things; it is their cougar way. The Pet Lady feels certain the zoo people would like to provide more spacious accommodations for these fur friends but lack sufficient funds. Please join the Pet Lady in abstaining from the sixth and final White Russian of today's cocktail hour and sending a few coins instead to: The Cougars, Woodland Park Zoo, 5500 Phinney Ave N, Seattle, 98103.

The Pet Lady

Your questions are the wind beneath the Pet Lady's wings. E-mail or put up the little red flag on your mailbox: The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle WA 98104.

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