The doctor is not in

Dear Dategirl,

I have been browsing through personal ads in many places and have grown sick of them. Most are nothing more than ads to bring you to a sex site that won't go away on your computer. (Hitting the "close" button 20 times should have gotten the point across.) The few ads that seem to be true are mostly women who want to have a sugar daddy. I have grown to hate searching the ads, but I hate going to bars even more because I clam up and try not to draw attention to myself while I'm there. (I don't feel comfortable.) This is frustrating and disheartening because I try to be an honest person. I cannot lie well, so I don't bother. I have had the suggestion to go to church, but it seems wrong to go to church to seek a lady to date. I also don't roll in the cash, so a singles service is beyond my means. But what frightens me most is that I'm starting to hate women and their fickleness, and I don't wish to hate anyone. But I have been treated with only bitterness and aloofness by them, so I'm losing my opinion of them. I just want one lady to make me feel alive and welcome in life. But I don't know where to search.

—Soured by Scorn and Deceit

Dear Soured by Scorn and Deceit,

How do I put this politely? Get thee to a shrink immediately. Your letter is scary. I'm not being flippant when I say this, but you obviously hate women, so I don't know why you'd want one in your life. I'm not suggesting that you're certifiably crazy, but you definitely need more help than some ill-equipped goofball like me can offer. I've gone through therapy; many people I adore go on a weekly basis. So I'm not being cruel, but go now!

As for the stuff I am equipped to help you with, well, here goes: If you keep getting redirected to porno Web sites while trolling the personals, perhaps you should switch to the printed page. I do believe Seattle Weekly has a personals section, as do any number of other papers and magazines.

And who wouldn't want a sugar daddy? In theory, I suppose I'd rather date a rich guy than a poor one, but at the same time, most of my boyfriends have been marginally employed at best. Most women worth knowing don't give a shit about wealth. As long as a man can support himself and afford the occasional cocktail, everything's jake.

You say you hate to go to bars because you don't like to draw attention to yourself, and this is somehow womankind's fault? Wrongo bongo, bub! The most important thing a therapist will do is help you get comfortable in your own skin. If you're going to meet someone, you've got to make yourself look like someone worth knowing, and that involves attracting attention. My current paramour is an expert at attracting attention—why, just last week, he fashioned a toilet-paper turban for himself at the local watering hole—and I find him completely irresistible. Sure, not every guy looks as hot swaddled in bathroom tissue as my man does, but I'm certain you can figure out some variation on the theme that would work for you.

Whoever advised you to go to church to trawl for chicks is on drugs. Why would you want some religious nut? Ick. You say you want one woman to "make you feel alive and welcome in life." Well sorry, fella, that is not the way it works. Only the most fucked-up woman would want to be responsible for making you (or anyone else) feel alive. You have to be a complete happy person by your own damned self before you're allowed to invite anyone else along for the ride.

Which brings us to the heart of the matter. You are blaming the women of the world for not liking you. But you don't like yourself, so how can you hope to find anyone else to like you back? And really, what could you possibly hate about women? We're wonderful! We smell good, we're pretty, we're fun to have sex with, and we're waaaaay smarter than men! In fact, we're so clever that we know to flee women-haters!

Note to certain readers (they know who they are): Enough with the scary, threatening letters and e-mails, OK? Yeah, yeah, I'm a bitch—whoo boy, that's breaking news! Never been called that before! If you don't like me, don't read my column.

Next week: Dategirl does Espa�

Frustrated? Disheartened? Nonthreatening? Write or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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