WASHINGTONIANS WITH an interest in horse breeding breathed a collective sigh of relief with last month's announcement that 1977 Triple Crown winner Seattle Slew was again cleared for sexual takeoff. The 26-year-old stallion is now fully recovered from his April surgery and has been restored to his position as the equine world's most desirable bachelor. (His progeny have earned $70 million and his services are valued at some $300,000 a pop.) Accordingly, we decided to ask this Bob Dole of the derby set a few questions about life, love, and the perfect mount.
Q: Seattle Slew, how many chicks have you scored in your lifetime?
A: Technically, none. Birds bag chicks—I nail mares. While Wilt Chamberlain, Shawn Kemp, and other pro athletes engage in intercourse for kicks, satisfying the mares is both an occupation and a means of survival for me. The more foals I produce, the more grass I get in my feed bin. It's a living, pal.
Q: What about guys who hit a wall with women after two or three weeks of dating? How can they overcome that female complaint about our "lack of emotional depth"?
A: I know there's a renewed societal emphasis on birth control and all, but I've always found that reassuring the fillies that our offspring will have secure professional careers as stakes-winning ponies fosters a stable post-mount relationship. Or you can just sneak out of the barn later while they're asleep.
Q: What about women who sleep with you once then never call again?
A: I've never had that problem myself. To answer your question in two words: Size counts.
Q: It's so hard to meet girls at bars and clubs. Do you have any particularly effective pickup lines that you use?
A: When in doubt, go with a hearty neigh or whinny as an icebreaker. Or just sneeze real loud. Secretariat once told me that the road to a mare's heart is through loud, awkward, seemingly involuntarily noises. Or you can try to impress them by stamping out the answers to complicated math problems.
Q: Are there any other special moves you'd recommend to draw attention to yourself?
A: Let the ladies run their fingers through your long silky mane. It's always worked for me.