Oh, Mary!

Confidential White House memo outlines visiting lesbian protocols.

TO: White House Staff

FROM: Commissioner of Family Values

RE: Mary Cheney Visits

George W. Bush adamantly opposes same-sex marriages, gay adoptions, hate crimes legislation, and homosexuals serving in the military. However, understanding that Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter is a certified lesbian, he wants Mary to feel at ease—if not at home—when she visits the White House. President Bush is, after all, a uniter, not a divider. We won't grant Mary any special rights. We will follow a few special guidelines:

Please don't question Mary about her old job managing Coors' corporate relations with the gay market. Thanks to the FBI and a highly efficient paper shredder in Colorado, no records of her past employment exist.

Kindly keep the Barney Frank and James Hormel jokes to yourself until Mary exits the room.

If Mary's mother, former CNN Crossfire host and novelist Lynne Cheney, should accompany her, please avoid using terms like dyke, muff diver, or dildo—unless Mrs. Cheney needs synonyms for an even racier sequel to Body Politic.

Don't worry if Mary's "partner" joins you for group portraits: She will be removed from all pictures with Photoshop.

If Attorney General John Ashcroft or Senator Trent Lott should dine in the White House on the same evening as Mary, she'll be served in the special basement Eleanor Roosevelt "Cubbyhole" Kitchen. If she asks why, respond, "It's a matter of national insecurity."

If Mary inquires about AIDS funding, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, or exactly what transpired in Florida, smile politely and nod like you're listening to her. It works for Dick.

Mary doesn't know Anne Heche or Angelina Jolie; please don't ask for their phone numbers.

Finally, we understand that a lesbian gallivanting around the White House challenges some long-held Republican traditions. Therefore your attendance at today's White House Orientation on Mary's Orientation (WHOMO) in the Hillary Clinton Foyer is mandatory. There, two female Log Cabin Republicans—we found the first in Arizona and are scouring the South for a second—will deliver a talk entitled "If You Can't Deliver Equality, We'll Settle for a Booth at the National Convention." Also, the Christian gay-conversion organization Exodus International will address how to "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin: Cultivating Healthy Relationships with Our Heterosexually Challenged Family Members." Although Elizabeth Birch and her gay-rights Human Rights Campaign asked to speak, time constraints forced us to deny this request. We've graciously assigned them a table next to the coat check where they'll hand out buttons.

Conservative? Yes. Compassionate? Damn straight.


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