Trashing Radiohead, Volume 2 1/2

As a public service, the Culture Bunker would like to recap some of the latest, greatest information about the highly anticipated new Radiohead album, which is called . . . um . . . uh . . . we really can't remember.

Item 1: According to Thom, Amnesiac has been finished "for six months," and when deciding which album to release, that or Kid A, it was simply "a question of which gun to fire first."

(Translation: "Can you believe we got away with that crap? Here's the real record." As for the gun, point that thing somewhere else. Like at yourself!)

Item 2: Yorke further explains the delay [in releasing Amnesiac, which almost came out this month] was to "give it a fair chance within the giant scary cogs of the bullshit machine."

(Translation: "Once again, it's the media and our record company's faults. But June is better for festival appearances, a US shed tour, and a possible summer hit single.")

Item 3: Also, Radiohead "need time to finish artwork [and] to produce film work that goes with it."

(Translation: "MTV said they wouldn't tolerate any half-assed studio footage this time, so we have to drop a couple million pounds making videos. Also, the giant lemon isn't ready.")

Item 4: "It's about the things you forget—and remembering. . . . If you look at the artwork for Kid A, well, that's the fire from afar. Amnesiac is the sound of what it feels like to be standing in the fire."

(Translation: The fuck if we know!)

For a band that have positioned themselves as anti-media, the 'Head sure do manage to pop up in the press. The three Other Guys were in the States recently attending the Grammys and, if we had to guess, doing prep meetings at Capitol to discuss plans for the global release of Amnesiac. Anyhoo, Ed, Colin, and Phil let loose the info that a West Coast US tour was in the works for June. We might be a tad cynical, but judging from the time and leaked locations, it appears that Thom and company have been woodshedding all this time so they can make their grand return to the live stage at the KROQ Weenie Roast? Fuckin' hell! We guess Amnesiac means they've forgotten everything they said they stood for during the Kid A press blitz. On the other hand, maybe they'll release all the live shows on individually priced CDs.

Thom skipped the Grammys, but it turns out that's only because he's too good for them. He'll be performing with Bjork at the upcoming Academy Awards. Now, we happen to love the Oscars, but we also happily concede they represent all the malevolent American culture that Yorkie professes to abjure. Apparently, performing before a billion-strong TV audience just three months before releasing a new album is reason enough to be a hypocritical little troll. We can't wait to see pictures of Ben Affleck kissing Thom's ass at the Miramax party, while everyone else is going, "Oh, Harvey, so sorry about Chocolat."

Finally, we'd like to congratulate Thom and his wife, Esmerelda, on being able to perform one of life's basic functions. Big f-in' deal. The guy can procreate. He still can't seem to write a decent tune. Of course, we all know what happens after a Rock Star—for that's exactly what Thom is—begins changing nappies. The next Radiohead album will be full of sappy dross about "oh, isn't it great to be alive" and watching his googly-eyed baby (we imagine a cross between Thom and the irritating CGI creation from Ally McBeal) take his first clubfooted steps. You know what else is disturbing about all this? This man has sex. In a happily committed, long-lasting relationship, no less. So why the fuck is he always moaning?!

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