What's he got that I don't got?

Dear Dategirl,

This question was already answered by another Seattle-based columnist, but I didn't agree with his answer. Basically a guy was perturbed that guys on gay.com who seemed interested in him suddenly disappeared when he disclosed he was (gasp!) Asian. As an Asian Indian, I've had similar experiences, but because of my chai-colored skin and ability to speak Spanish, I've been confused for Hispanic, Portuguese, Italian, Turkish, and even Afghanistani. To test the other columnist's hypothesis—that this treatment was not discrimination but based arbitrarily on what someone found "attractive"—I recruited my friend Enrique (who has very similar stats, though I'm more attractive) and we conducted a very nonscientific test.

We took ourselves to a gay bar with white walls and very white clientele. We both stood at the bar wearing cutoff jeans and T-shirts. My T-shirt said "Viva Puerto Rico" and Enrique's said "Kiss Me, I'm Parsi" (homemade). More guys approached Enrique! I decided that we hadn't factored in the fact that I have underdeveloped calves, so the next time we did the same thing but in jeans. We had the same result—and I'm not sure what that means—but it brings me to my three questions:

As someone who was dumped for not owning Kenneth Cole shoes and wearing a JCPenney jacket, should I lie about my race to get more dates, since it's part of the "package"?

I blame porn and assume you watch gay porn. Do you think that this problem is due to the lack of Asian Indians being properly fetishized in porn?

As I am slowly realizing the statistical impossibility of finding a monogamous, well-educated, entertaining, mature gay male who would like to date an Indian man, should I just give up and try to find some nice women friends at straight bars? (If so, send me your number!)

Perturbed Punjabi

Dear PP,

Although I am impressed with the amount of spare time you have on your hands, don't you think that concocting elaborate scenarios for the sole reason of trying to figure out why someone isn't attracted to you is a little odd? Men (straight and gay) tend to be a helluva lot more shallow—I mean stringent—in their physical requirements for a mate than women are. Do I really need to know that some schmo would think me Ms. Right if only I had bigger tits or a smaller ass? Nope. The end result is the same—I'm not getting any offa him. Likewise, why would you care whether some asshole rejects you because you were born in Pakistan instead of Puerto Rico? Their loss, sweetcheeks. Move on. You seem to be a clever lad, and I'm certain you'll one day stumble across a lovely gent who appreciates every inch of your exotic bod. But for now I will attempt to answer your questions in the order in which they were received:

While I am appalled that someone would dump you for not owning Kenneth Cole shoes (!), I'm afraid I do see his point about the JCPenney jacket (unless it was a cute little vintage number, but I'm guessing not). What were you thinking! Gay men are supposed to be fashion-forward—you have a stereotype to uphold! Geez. Though I fail to see how your clothing crisis relates to your race, no, I don't think you should pretend to be some ethnic persuasion you're not. However, you might want to consider hiring a stylist.

While I am rather flattered that you think me the breed of broad who sits around wanking off to gay porn, you're wrong. Sure, I've seen my share, but it's not at the top of my to-do list. You see, my fantasy world is all about me, me, me. That's why I don't watch much straight porn, either. When I do, it's more anthropological excursion than fodder for orgasms. The chicks are tanned, permed, and plasticized, and the men are never remotely my type. Perhaps when Crispin Glover starts doing skin flicks, I'll tune in. But until then . . . I have no idea whether or not Asian Indians are "properly fetishized" in porn, but normal women are rarely represented, either (the only stretch marks you see in straight porn come from overinflated boob jobs), and most of us manage to get laid anyway.

And as for your final dilemma—nooooooooo! Give us poor straight girls a break! While at first glance gay men and straight women do seem a perfect match, we both crave dick far too much for it to ever work. Believe me, there are more than enough closet cases floating around out there. If you're clever enough to have actually figured out your sexual preference, please don't make us your consolation prize.

What's at the top of your to-do list? Write dategirl@seattleweekly.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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