Ruts & butts


Ruts & butts

  • Ruts & butts

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    Dear Dategirl,

    I've been with my girlfriend for four years now. I am 25. She is a nice girl and loves me very much. Lately I've been feeling really suffocated by the relationship. I go to work then straight home. I didn't mind in the beginning, but now I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind. I've gained 50 pounds and feel like I'm 50 years old. When I sit at home watching TV on my day off, I get frustrated. Earlier on in our relationship, I messed up and cheated on her. She found out the next day. So this is my way of making it up to her—I stay home and away from my friends. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm afraid that there will never be someone who loves me as much as she does. What can I do to keep my sanity and feel young again? Please help me.


    You, my dear, are in a rut. Actually, worse than a rut, you're in a deep, dark pit! Yikes.

    So you cheated—the worst part about that is that she found out. The thing I can't figure out is whether she's mandating this house arrest or if you're subjecting yourself to it as some sort of mad penance. Either way, do you think you're doing either of you any favors by stuffing your face and avoiding your friends?

    You're obviously deeply depressed and angry at her, but it's the kind of anger you can't articulate because hey, you're the one who fucked up. Get over it. That was years ago. Everyone makes mistakes, and if she accepted your hopefully sincere and groveling apology, that should be the end of story. There is no need to pay for your indiscretion on a daily basis.

    You cannot go on living like this. You are dying a slow death, and you're only 25! You should be out playing with your friends, watching movies, climbing mountains, and reading books. You should NOT be sitting in front of your TV with a beer and a bag of Cheese Doodles—plenty of time for that when you're 80 and have already climbed all the mountains and read all the books.

    Did you notice that you mentioned twice how much she loves you, but not once did you say you loved her? Do you? It's scary leaving someone who says they love you. I know; I did it quite recently. But instead of thinking about the quantity of the alleged love you're getting from that person, think about the quality. Sure, my ex told me he loved me constantly, but he also wanted me to ditch all my friends (ha!), somehow turn anorexic overnight (ha ha!!), and be content giving him blow jobs while he completely ignored my needs (ha ha ha!!!). No thanks! Do you really need the love of a psychic vampire? I don't think so. Better alive and alone than soul-dead with someone sitting next to you.

    If you decide you do honestly love her and want things to work out, you've got to get counseling for both of you. In any case, this has got to stop.

    And now for a special chivalrous celebrity letter:

    Hello Judy,

    I am writing to you about the article about that fool who poop in your bed ["The worst sex I've ever had," 3/1]. Obviously this fool is not a very respectful [fool] toward the opposite sex and doesn't deserve you. If I was you and he had done that to me I would have used super glue on him. It has 100 uses and that use I would do to him would be 101 uses. Glue his butt shut and next time he think twice about doing anything remotely gross like that again. Also I think from what I have been reading of your article I hope that it is not just for entertainment and there is some fact to your stories. If only people would respect the opposite sex and not disrespect them. Nowadays the scruple level has dropped dramatically since the yester years. I am not saying I am old but this needs to be a mutual agreement as to being in a relationship and respect each other. I hope that maybe we can connect one day and grow a friendship or something.

    Though he didn't sign it, it doesn't take a genius to figure out who penned this missive!

    Dear Mr. T,

    I am delighted to hear from you! Unfortunately for me, my sad little stories are all true. As much as I wish it weren't so, someone really did poop in my bed. I must clarify, though, that he did not lose sphincter control on purpose. And as for supergluing his butt shut, good idea, but I just didn't want to get that close.

    Write Dategirl, fool! or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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