Causeway and effect

WHAT'S UP WITH THE VIADUCT? One day it's open for traffic, the next day it's closed for mysterious emergency inspection or repairs. Ever since the earthquake, we've been wondering exactly what seemingly arbitrary criteria state engineers use in wreaking havoc with our lives and commute. Thanks to a recently obtained copy of the DOT's official viaduct inspection form, now we know.

IF YOU SEE . . .

THEN . . .

Inch-wide cracks

Krazy Glue. Keep traffic moving.

Loose change on roadway

Stop traffic! We need the revenues.

Foot-wide cracks

Two words: duct tape. No need to alarm motorists.

Baby ducks attempting to cross viaduct lanes

Close all lanes of traffic; do not rush ducks.

Toaster-sized chunks falling from structure

Deploy orange traffic cones to keep people away from parked cars below.

Unusually beautiful sunset

Take time to appreciate Nature's glory by stopping traffic until dusk.

Strange creaking sound

Issue earplugs at all on-ramps.

Really hot babe stepping out of shower in fourth-floor Pioneer Square loft

Halt traffic; send DOT crews immediately to scene of disturbance.

Uncontrollable shimmying and swaying

Blame problem on damage caused by Eugene anarchists during WTO riots.

Blue Angels practicing overhead before Seafair

Stop traffic; sell popcorn and soda to captive audience.

Seneca Street off-ramp now leads directly to Western Avenue, not First

What's the problem with that? Get some coffee.

Car with license plate reading "BOMB"

Don't take any chances: Halt all traffic.

Settling of northbound level restricts lower southbound lanes to midgets driving convertibles

Expand DOT EEOC programs; purchase fleet of Miatas.

Mayor Schell reporting tourist complaints about waterfront noise

Shut down the viaduct immediately!


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