THE GROUP People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has launched a pro-vegetarianism campaign that features Jesus as ultimate spokesman for the cause. PETA may need to make a change, however, in light of recent reports that the sandaled one may in fact be a fan of flame throwin' Buffalo-style chicken wings.
A tipster dialed Seattle Weekly headquarters last week with the revelation that Jesus' visage had manifested itself on a hunk of concrete at the Greenwood Wing Dome restaurant. A photographer was promptly dispatched to document the potentially blessed finding. The photos revealed a dark stain, which—when rotated 90 degrees—vaguely resembles a head with shoulders and an extended hand. There didn't appear to be anything particularly Jesuslike about the head, but reports of lesser historical figures unveiling themselves on walls are for some reason exceedingly rare.
I was assigned the potentially onerous task of following up with the gentleman who brought the "miracle" to our attention. But mellow dude Ben Szemkus proved to be no fire-and-brimstone variety zealot. Szemkus, who describes himself as "semireligious," said that the imprint looked like Christ and reminded him of a "Shroud of Turin sort of thing." The recent East Coast transplant told me the now-illustrated piece of concrete was a remnant of the Kingdome, which he heard had "burned down a couple of years ago."
While pleasant, the exchange stirred some suspicion (Szemkus was in fact a Wing Dome employee). I decided nonetheless that I should at least view the alleged holy relic for myself.
It was even less impressive in person. I mentioned the would-be phenomenon to some other Wing Dome workers and they had no idea what I was talking about. No grand plot. No Second Coming. Just a guy from a chicken joint getting his name in the paper.
PAUL FONTANA email@example.com