To Whom It May Concern,
Before I begin doling out the wisdom, I was wondering if I could trouble you, my wise and wonderful readers (OK, and the weirdos too), with a few questions. I'm looking to hear stories of the worst sex you've ever had. I'd also like to know if any of you have ever managed to turn a good friend into a good lay. Lastly, cheaters have always fascinated me, and I'd love it if some of you "successful" (i.e., not caught) cheats could clue the rest of us in on the ins and outs of furtive fucking. Thanks! Now, to the malebag. . . .
I have this friend who writes a sex advice column who, after some truly tragic dating experiences, appears to be attracting somewhat nicer lads these days. That's not the problem.
The problem is, she's not sharing all those X-rated pics guys are reportedly sending her, hoping to snag a date or a quick fuck. You see, this friend who writes a sex advice column has a small but devoted group of witty, charming, and attractive gay guy friends who continue to meet only the truly tragic. She could help us through these weak and stupid times with just a few grainy yet shockingly real photos of naked young alternative-rock boys showing off their manly pride in front of the oversized speakers and home computers in their paneled rentals. How do I get her to share the bounty?
A Boozy Friend
No, I'm not going to give you the nudie photos that these poor trusting souls so innocently send my way! That would be wrong, wrong, wrong! Besides, the alleged "nice guy" I've been nailing for the past month is history, so once again it's just me and my battery-operated boyfriend—and sometimes a girl needs visual aids. However, if you were to, say, come over and cook me a nice dinner one night, perhaps one or two might find their way into your wallet.
I read with interest your response to the depressed gal in your May 17 column. It goes without saying that there are a lot of men in our society who are quite happy and comfortable looking beyond the cultural norm in finding a partner. What I mean is that large, curvaceous, and Rubenesque women can be quite attractive, if not absolutely stunning, to some men, myself included. I remember shacking up with a few when I was in college who were absolutely hot to trot from lack of attention—in fact, the most romantic night of my life to date was with a gal who was probably 190 pounds plus. Please tell the gal to keep her chin up and that her Prince Charming is out there among the masses. You can forward this to her if you'd like.
My male readers never let me down. This letter was one of many responding to the overweight reader who was wondering if her heft is the reason she can't seem to get a piece—and it was the least lewd of the bunch, though all offered to alleviate her of that darned chastity that's been plaguing her. It's no secret that many men prefer a broad who's packing some back. Some even get all hot and bothered over the morbidly obese—chubby chasers are a fairly well-organized group. I just didn't think that this particular dame's problem was her poundage—more her outlook on life. But I hope Concerned's letter peps her up a bit.
I'm writing to tell you that you're being awfully hard on your male admirers. You said a few weeks ago that they're nuts to consider dating you when they haven't even met you. What is the whole idea behind the personal ads? Do you disapprove of this method of meeting people for dating? Isn't it a good thing to learn something of what's going on inside someone's head before being distracted by their body? Feel free to send me a nude picture of yourself for making such a good point.
Another Lonely Guy in Seattle
I'm all for personal ads. In fact, I may consult them again in the near future. However, if you could read the vast majority (though not all) of the male mail I get, you would understand why I don't dip into the reader dating pool. For the most part, it's a very dark, murky, and scary place to go.
Is your dating pool full of scum and leaves? Dategirl can help. Write email@example.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.