Mariah Carey's exhausted? No, we're exhausted. . . .
Chuck Panozzo: "I'm gay."
A recent survey reveals the German people are losing their taste for beer. Wow. Next thing you know, they'll stop hating the Jews. Naah!
Al Smith, We Hardly Knew Ye Department: So your "President" has handed over decision making to the Pope when it comes to determining U.S. policy on stem-cell research. Truly, this is the most bullshit "ethical" question we've ever heard. It's not a baby, it's a micro-friggin'-scopic drop in a petri dish! It has no eyes or fingers, let alone a soul! When are people going to learn? There is no God! You live, you die, that's that. Sheesh!
It might've been 10 days ago, but we're still gonna mention this year's MLS All-Star Game because the excitement lingers so. A 6-6 tie! C'mon! What's more exciting than that? In other sports news, the Indianapolis Colts (it still feels funny writing that) have signed up quarterback Mark Rypien. This was after Don Strock, Ron Jaworski, Otto Graham, and Jim Thorpe all turned down offers. . . .
Carlene Carter was the Courtney Love of her day—she put the "cunt" in "country," y'know—but somehow we have trouble feeling truly sorry for people who leave their dogs in a kennel for a year at a time. . . .
Damn, that Spider Man trailer is good. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about Sam Raimi's most recent film, the execrable The Gift. Katie Holmes fans are advised to simply fast-forward to 1:36. It's true what they say about Billy Bob Thornton being a triple threat: Can't write. Can't act. Can't direct. Betcha he can't sing either. He's the cracker Phillip Michael Thomas, except he actually has an Oscar. . . .
Chuck the bass player in Styx came out of the closet this week. Guess he's not the guy who wrote "Lady." Perhaps "Blue Collar Man" was his idea. Funny, but we'd always assumed Dennis DeYoung was the gay one. . . .
Fuckin' Karl Rove. If he really wanted to make the Pope happy, he'd have Bush abolish the death penalty. Naah!
Fuckin' Comedy Central, canceling That's My Bush. Time for Trey to get cracking on That's My Bush: The Broadway Musical. Dennis DeYoung is George W. Bush. . . .
We gave up on the new John Irving novel at the third hand. . . . Michael's favorites are the white M&Ms. . . . Incubus? Succubus, more like!
"I've licked my share of peanut butter. . . ." Yep, it's good to have Family Guy back on the air. . . .
Nice to see a Mood Six best-of surface on Cherry Red, though Jason is quite pissed that they opted for the major label 7-inch mixes for two of the best songs. Sellouts!
Pete Yorn? Never has an artist been so aptly named. OK, so maybe that joke doesn't work unless you say it with a Brooklyn accent. . . . We see that the ghost of Bob Marley is being used to sell very expensive designer construction boots to the poor working man. That fuckin' Rita Marley makes Yoko and Ted Hughes look like saints. . . .
Is it in Freddie Prinze's contract that whoever hires him has to give Matthew Lillard work as well? Summer Catch? Yeah, and summer pitch too, we're thinking. . . . Hey, and whatever happened to Skeet Ulrich? He seems to have disappeared just as he'd finally become a star with his appearance in Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. . . .
Finally, we'd like encourage loyal denizens of the Culture Bunker to check out our sister column (some would say fraternal twin) over at Rollingstone.com, where we are currently engaged in a fierce "Who's the Ugliest of Them All?" contest with none other than that goggle-eyed fuckwit Thom Yorke. Vote early, vote often. . . .