I am an intelligent, quite attractive 20-year-old female. Wait, maybe that's my problem! No, seriously, I have been dating my old man, who's 32, for about three years now. The last year we have supposedly been separated, but we still see each other and refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. What broke us up was my infidelity. This last year is our trying-to-work-it-out phase.
Well, I have had several other partners in the last year, including females. But there is one man in particular that I cannot let go of. He is amazing in bed. If I didn't have old fling hanging on, I almost think I would run away with this man. He is 30 and very successful, intelligent, and glorious in bed. The trouble with him is that I don't see him very often, and we have kept our relationship on a sexual level, meaning we play together in bars, clubs, boats, etc., but nothing serious.
But I love fucking this man. My entire body becomes enveloped in ecstasy, and the only thing I can do is scream out and shiver all over. I don't want to lose that! I also love Mr. Old Fling, and I can't seem to let go of him, either. I need to make some kind of decision soon! OK, I'm in big trouble! Please help me!
Dear Sexually Deviant,
OK, so your 32-year-old boyfriend—who started dating you three years ago, when he was 29 and you were 17(!)—got cranky that you cheated on him and dumped your pert now-20-year-old ass? Who is this guy, Jerry Lee Lewis II? Of course you cheated on him; you should've been dating boys, not some Humbert Humbert wanna-be!
There is nothing wrong with a 12-year age gap—except when one of the parties isn't old enough to vote. I hate to sound like a granny, but where were your parents during all this? Mine would've had a collective stroke if I brought home a geezer like yours in 11th grade!
Now that I've completed the moralizing portion of my column, I have to tell you that there ain't nothin' sexually deviant about having two boyfriends. I've reread your letter several times and am still stumped as to how you're in big trouble. You are a foxy 20-year-old woman with two boyfriends and a variety of side action—how is this a problem? The only problem I can see is that you seem to be talking yourself into a monogamous relationship you don't want to be in.
I'd dump the pedophile on principle alone and concentrate on the one who makes you howl—that kind of sex is a rare and beautiful thing. Keep your options open and don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want to be part of. You're 20! You're supposed to have the romantic attention span of a flea—enjoy it while it lasts.
I am 14. Can you send me something about a girl in love and giving me advice on how to get a guy to like you or the best way to flirt? I would appreciate it.
[While this little lassie signed her actual name, I'm not gonna print it because I'm feeling all moral and shit. In keeping with our theme, we'll just call her Lolita.]
Dear sweet Lolita,
If I knew of a surefire way to get a guy to like me, I'd be Mrs. Steve Buscemi by now. But alas, there is no set of instructions included with that crazy game called Love. As much as it pains me to say it, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache if you follow every mother's advice and just be yourself. I know, I know, it would be a lot easier if I could just steer you toward a certain pair of shoes or can't-miss shade of hair dye, but men are a mercurial bunch. Each of them finds something else irresistible: For one man it's white cotton panties, for another it's a giant set of jugs and a bucket jaw—you never can tell. Contorting yourself into something you're not for the sake of a man will only make you cranky in the end. And being cranky will give you wrinkles.
As for flirting, hell, you're 14. Don't bother. And stay away from older men!
Cranky about Love? Write Dategirl@seattleweekly.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.