Small World

A person who needs People

People magazine broke my heart. Oh, yes, I've been hurt by unthinking cads before. But never have I been decimated by one so glossy that I've loved so well.

How much do I love People magazine? What's not to love? While our country implodes, as the fabric of the world we hold so dear unravels around us, People is still the best place to find out what Goldie Hawn is going to do about it. And, god, someone out there needs to have the wherewithal to print that "Sharon Stone is completely intact neurologically, and she will have no medical restrictions on her personal and professional activities," a question that's been nagging the masses for weeks.

So my very soul swelled, when People called me a month or so ago. Some writers dream of The New Yorker sending them a distinguished letter of acceptance. Some go woozy with fantasies of the Pulitzer committee ringing with effusive congratulations. But I know my lot. Which is why I swooned at the words, "Hi, this is People magazine, and we'd like to ask you a few questions about Jennifer Lopez."

I had written a couple of columns about J-Lo this summer after I worked my way onto the local shoot of her searing new cheese-fest Enough, and the magazine had shrewdly stumbled upon the piece online. I had learned early of Lopez's engagement to Cris Judd, thanks to the generous gossip of a set technician who was tired of seeing them make squishy faces at each other. Smart enough to appreciate anyone who savors the chance to talk about Jennifer's ass, People wanted my take on her then-upcoming nuptials.

I was giddy. I had visions of being its Seattle connection or, better, of getting a sassy "On the Move" profile as the Weekly's quirky arts writer. The profile would nonchalantly lop four years off my actual age and refer to me as "the never-married reporter" or "a still-single scribe." There would be a nice color shot of me hunched over my computer at work, looking mischievous yet adorable in my big, clunky glasses as I punched in a press release from a theater in Enumclaw.

Folks, there was nothing about me in People's Lopez engagement piece. My heart fell. Then, two weeks ago, they did a cover story on the wedding and quoted only "a source on the set" of Enough, with a blatant steal from my squishy-face scoop. The world truly is upside-down. And I may switch to US.

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