Mistaken identity

Dear Dategirl,

Are you as fun in person as your column is? (I'm new to it.) Would you like to go on a date with my wife and me? We're both 30 and attractive and looking for a friend.


Dear Curious,

I don't know if I'm as fun in person as I may come off in my column. Exactly how fun do you think I might be? I've never worn a lamp shade on my head, nor have I ever been a participant in that "wave" thing that people do at sporting events. I don't own any ridiculous hats (OK, one, but I hardly ever wear it) and don't know any magic tricks either. I tend to forget jokes halfway through or find what I'm saying so hilarious that I'm far too busy trying to avoid pissing myself to spit the damned thing out. So to answer your first question, I'm probably not as fun as you might've been led to believe.

You should remember that I get to think about what I write and then rewrite it again and again. Then it gets edited and then copyedited to eliminate the ridiculous grammatical errors I am wont to make. So even if I am as fun as you might be thinking I am (which, I assure you, I'm not), I am definitely not as articulate.

I occasionally get propositioned by a reader (usually an incarcerated one), but I've never been asked out by a couple before! How flattering! Alas, I must respectfully decline your kind offer, as my heart and vagina are otherwise engaged.

Dear Dategirl,

Damn. I think I missed Glitter, but nowadays one must move quickly to catch prime cinematic train wrecks at the multiplex. Did you see Hugo Pool? I caught it during its one-week run a couple years ago. It's a mostly unknown mess with Alyssa Milano, Chuck Barris, Richard Lewis, Malcolm McDowell, etc. I think I talked with you at the Barbarella party and later at Jolene's house. There can't be that many folks in Seattle named "Jolene." I've enjoyed the column, as it's filled a void since Dan Savage quit being funny.


Dear Smitty,

First off, Dan Savage is still pretty fucking funny, but thank you for the compliment. I, too, was shocked and deeply saddened to find that by the time my column regaling the glory that is Glitter went to press, the movie was no longer in theaters! The only solace we can gain from this is knowing that the DVD release must be imminent (can't wait to see the director's cut and all the zany behind-the-scenes high jinks).

As for having talked to me at your friend Jolene's house, I must tell you that was simply not the case. When friends tell me potentially humiliating stories (in "Jolene's" case, it was that she could not find a man willing to stick his dick into her—a situation that has since been remedied quite handily!), I change their names (unless I don't like them—then I just use their real name). The girl I called Jolene is a tall, sassy redhead with a taste for country music, so I named her after the only hillbilly song I find tolerable. Sorry!

Dear Dategirl,

I just moved to Seattle, and I'm lonely. I'm an intelligent, attractive, outgoing 19-year-old, but I just can't seem to make any friends. I am taking a class at the local college and found a great job at a cute little restaurant. I figured that by now (one month) I would have met someone to go have fun with. If you could just give me a couple positive places where I can meet someone, I would really appreciate it.

The Girl Next Door (Who Is Far from Home)

Dear GND,

Nothing brings people together quicker than liquor, so it sucks that you're too young to hang out in bars. But it sounds like you're doing all the right things; you just have to be patient. That, and make sure you're not coming on too strong—nothing puts people off like the stink of desperation. Follow your mama's advice and be yourself, continue to live your life, and friends will fall into place. You could also try placing or answering a personal ad. Failing that, perhaps you could be my stand-in and go out with the couple above who wants to date me.

Actually, she is really fun. Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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