I need to know exactly what physical attraction means. I just came back from a wonderful weekend with a guy. He lives in D.C., I'm in St. Louis—we met this summer while I was working in D.C. Since that time, we've talked about three times a week for hours at a time and e-mailed each other every day. He kept asking me to come visit, so I did. We were both under the assumption that our relationship was now more than friends. We had a great time, and let me say that no sex occurred—though it almost did. He then told me that he isn't completely physically attracted to me. He thinks I'm beautiful and I'm a sweetheart and loves me as a person, but he doesn't think that he could be happy with me in the long run. I can't understand this for the life of me.
I love him with all my heart, and I'm quite miserable now. He knows how I feel but keeps saying that it wasn't meant to be. He tells me that I should find a better man. I just can't comprehend how we could have such a great time together and how he can tell me he loves me but it would never work for him. What am I supposed to do? I think we're perfect for each other, and he agrees, but it always comes back to this physical attraction thing. He tells me that I have beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, a great body, a great personality, but he's not physically attracted to me! If you have any clue about this fellow, could you please toss me a bone? I don't know what to do.
Clueless in Missouri
I love my friend Kurt. My friend Kurt loves me. We have more fun than a barrel full of monkeys on crack when we're together—never a dull moment, never an uncomfortable lull in conversation. We travel together, we whinge on the phone for hours about dates gone horribly wrong. We're never gonna bump uglies though. Why? Because we're not attracted to each other. I asked Kurt what he finds physically attractive in a prospective paramour, and this is what he said: "I tend to be smitten with guys who are bald and/or have receding hairlines, UNLESS THEY TRY TO CONCEAL IT—that's a total turnoff."
I guess I forgot to mention that Kurt is gay.
Attraction is a whimsical beast. I can pick out a date for my friend Dave at 50 paces. He'll stroll through a bar packed with Pam Anderson clones and head straight for the big-assed brunette mick chick quaffing a Maker's in the corner. Ivan prefers librarian types who wear glasses and have a predilection for latex garments. Peter can only get it up for the scrawniest of broads—do not apply if you have any body fat whatsoever. My friend Sherrill has a thing for extremely tall redheads with crooked members. Julesie prefers slightly overweight men. "Not fatties," says she. "Just guys with a nice solid beer gut. Having sex with them is like being tossed around like a castaway on the S.S. Minnow. Ahoy, matey!"
I always get a pretty good reaction rockin' the short skirt/high boots combo, but most girls do. A friend of a friend told me that she's dating a man who "likes to inventory the bruises, rope burns, and calluses I get from doing trapeze" (she might not be a good example because her life is obviously way more interesting than yours or mine).
But you, my dear, have to face the fact that you do not float this guy's boat; he's made this quite clear. It would've been nice if he'd figured this out before you squandered your fortune on long distance bills and plane fare, but he didn't. Maybe you're a brunette and he can only get it up for blondes. Perhaps you're of Greek descent and he's got a yen for Japanese chicks named Sophie. Could be he's working out just what his sexuality is and once he determines he's a full-time friend of Dorothy he'll feel bad for leading you on. Who knows, who cares? Being in love with someone who doesn't find you hot will only make you insecure and miserable. Cut your losses and find someone who appreciates your particular brand of cute.
Boy and/or girl trouble? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.