Lies, lies, lies, lies—they're gonna get you!

Hey Dategirl,

I am a single man in my mid-30s who loves the chase and dreads the catch. I've never been married and love my independent lifestyle. I love the ladies, usually date up to four women at a time (numbers higher than that, and I start getting their birthdays mixed up), and treat each one like a princess. Of course, they don't know about each other, and I keep them all at a friendship level (usually fuck buddies, safe-sex style). When they decide they want to start getting serious or I get tired of them, I kick them to the curb. Every once in a while I get the curb marks, but that just means I don't have to deal with hurt feelings (I hate conflict and being the bad guy). I do not feel like I am cheating on anyone, and I'm sure that a few of them have similar agendas, which is fine with me.

My questions to you are: Do you think it is wrong to date girls like a pitching staff rotation, as long as everyone is enjoying themselves? And when it comes to the end of the "season," what is the best way to let a woman know she's going to be a free agent?

Citizen Dildo

Listen C.D.,

First off, what up with the sports metaphors? This isn't The Man Show—and if you've ever read this column, you know that I am hardly going to condone the behavior of a Neanderthal whose sole source of gratification appears to be getting his dick wet via subterfuge and lies. So you're deceiving up to four women at a time that they're your one and only—don't you have a job? Or a hobby? Or even a pet? Expending the time and energy necessary to maintain your mountain of lies is something that only the most pathological (or sophomoric) of people would attempt. And how do these broads not figure it out? Do you limit your dating pool to morons?

You claim to love your "independent" lifestyle, but you're obviously a slave to your dick. You "love the ladies," yet you treat "the ladies" like they're nothing more than sperm receptacles put on earth solely to give you pleasure. What gives? Did Mommy take you off the tit too soon? Did your second-grade girlfriend steal your lunch money? I'm guessing you don't have too many female friends, and probably not too many guy friends, either—when would you have the time?

You ask for a quick and painless way to tell a broad that you're a fraudulent piece of shit who's been feeding her a steady stream of lies to manipulate her into fucking you. Why not just be straight up from jump? Lots of women are fine with value-added friendships, and let's face it, the "real you" (if there is one) isn't exactly relationship material anyway. I do find it rather ironic that you signed your letter "Citizen Dildo," as a plastic penis will do in a pinch but pales in comparison to the real thing—kinda like you.

Dear Dategirl,

A few years back my wife and I fought a lot, but we are getting better now. Our sex is better than ever before, but every once in a while she still yells because I was not always faithful to her. I decided to test to see if she is faithful to me. I e-mailed her, pretending that I was someone from her past. I told her I wanted to have a relationship and even to marry her. She replied and explained our marriage situation to me (thinking I was this other person). She said she is willing to leave everything behind and marry me if I really love her. She wants me to come visit her and take her away as soon as possible. What should I do now? Should I confront her, or should I continue to do this until I find out the truth about her?

The E-Mail Man

Did I somehow miss the memo declaring this Icky Guy Week? Listen, sweet pea, like all sneaks, you got what you deserved. Instead of perpetuating this ridiculous web of deceit, why don't you concentrate on being more like the great, mythical guy you invented? Instead of trying to entrap your wife, why don't you try seducing her? Go ahead and take her away as soon as possible, from everything—including her suspicious, conniving jackass of a husband.

Ickiness? Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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