DEAR PET LADY,
I endlessly enjoy reading your column. I find myself simultaneously educated and highly entertained. I, too, have need for your advice on an issue of kitty psychology. I have the pleasure of spending my time with three very lovely kitties who are all good-natured on their own. The problem is that two of the three kitties (males, most definitely) would fight to the death if I left them to their own devices. The third kitty (yes, a good- natured female) only adds to the turmoil by applauding their antics. In addition to the flurry of cat fur and the occasional injury, one of the kitties (male, of course) "talks" endlessly into the day and night, and although a source of amusement at noon is one of extreme annoyance at midnight. I feel as though he is looking for something—perhaps an escape. I have created my own version of Wild Kingdom and need advice! Help!
Kitten in Distress
What is the Mutual of Omaha, anyway? The Pet Lady has long wondered. Perhaps you should locate them (apparently in Omaha) and seek sponsorship, dear K.I.D. From her past viewership of Marlin Perkins' marvelous television program, the Pet Lady would judge that, like our friends the lions, your male cats are engaged in an unending struggle to determine which of them is the leader of their small pride; they seem to be at a stalemate, and as they do not have a savanna to roam, the conflict arises again and again. The vocalizations of the one fur friend are, as you've surmised, no doubt related to this distress. The answer here is to give your beasts more turf; one of them may need new roaming grounds altogether, a sad thing, but best for them and for your sleep, sweet K.I.D.
Cheers and yours truly,
The Pet Lady
DEAR PET LADY,
I enjoyed your response to our plight [The Pet Lady, May 9]. Indeed, Ms. Roscoe Pico Train would be very unhappy to indulge a dietician with an arabesque water ballet, much less electrical stimulation of any sort. I will continue to taunt her with her feather boa in an effort to increase her activity. Perhaps I shall also let her "escape" into the main hallway of our apartment building more often so as she can get in a good jog every now and then as well.
Thank you, Dear Pet Lady. And thanks to you, too, Dear Pet Secretary. Your thoughtfulness and dedication to the happiness of our beloved companions is a highlight of many a reader's week.
Less Treaties, More Boa!
Housemate to Ms. Pico Train
The Pet Lady is so pleased that you are pleased with her! A martini seems to be in order. The Pet Secretary, who you also so kindly thank profusely, sends her very welcomes. And, coincidentally, the P.S. found the photograph you sent of Ms. Pico Train under the divan! It shall be printed in this very column. The Pet Lady is thrilled about this exciting development. Ms. Pico Train does not look so plump in the photo; you must have captured her from a slimming angle. She does, however, pleasantly resemble an extra-furry owl.
The Pet Lady
Pet difficulties? Send photos and letters to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.