Rhymes with Seltzer

Nina Paranolt of Bellevue writes: "Dear Meltzer—Please help! This is important.

"Back in April, high on acid, I gouged somebody's eyes out. I'm pretty sure I did. I was standing on the corner, and this dude was hassling me. Could be he was just talking, jiving, but I took it for aggression and went straight for his bulbs. What the heck . . . shit happens. I woke up next morning in a strange hotel with this—what would you call it?—viscera under my nails . . . something that wasn't exactly skin. Eye slime or nerve gristle or something (my nails are sort of long). There was dried blood halfway up a couple fingers.

"I wonder—could it have been Randy Newman? When you speak to him, could you ask him in passing if this actually happened? I'm now in anger management, and would like to make it up to him in any way poss."

To be honest, Nina, I don't think it was him. His face doesn't seem all that fucked up . . . no scars or eye patches, nothin'. But I will inquire, no sweat.

(The things we do f'r readers . . . phoo.)

Randy Newman plays the Woodland Park Zoo at 6 p.m. Wed., July 24. $16.

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