Lights, Camera, Action

Dear Dategirl,

I lived in Seattle with my loving fianc饠of two years until things went horribly wrong. My past caught up with me—although it was nothing very serious—and I had to do a little time. While I was away, she decided she wanted to have a relationship with a known drug dealer. She emptied my bank account and deserted me before I got out. If not for a friend's generosity, I would be homeless. She called me in Montana at another friend's house to tell me how worthless and bad I was. Then she came by my work to apologize on camera after she threw all my stuff away. I know all this sounds pretty bad, and I said some things to her that were pretty mean, but that was only after she had said every hateful thing she could think of. Is it natural for me to still kinda love her, or is this bad and should I get some help? Also she keeps coming by my work, but only when I'm on. Where did my heart go? I never yelled at her or raised a hand to her; why did she do this to me?

Lost in Thought

Dear Lost,

What kind of ungrateful bitch leaves a man who has never once beat the hell outta her? Everyone knows we broads are ornery creatures and nothing shuts us up quicker than a backhand to the jaw—but not you. You rejected violence, and look where it got you.

So you got locked up in the big house for a little while—big deal! All you did was go to prison for some minor (and yet curiously unidentified) past transgression, and Miss Thing gets all uppity and splits for greener pastures. You can't really blame her, though. Speaking from experience, drug dealers make the most excellent boyfriends (second only to musicians). A girl gets to meet lots of interesting new people, and as long as you keep doling out the blow jobs to him and his friends, you're pretty much guaranteed all the free drugs you can jam in your nose, arm, mouth, or ass. Can't really fault her for looking out for Numero Uno, can you?

I'm a little unclear as to how the "on camera" apology came about. Are you a weatherman? A Friends cast member? Was it perhaps a security camera? Is her name Winona? Do tell. But regardless, my advice remains the same: Move on.

Hi Dategirl,

The only place i've seen women writing about wanting sex is advice columns such as this. At near 54, i've never had a woman come onto me for sex in my life. Now i was married for nearly 20 years, and the sex was like three or four times a year, if i begged, pleaded, or bought her something. A woman who wanted sex would be a novelty to me. If women are indeed interested in the subject, then it is perhaps that they just have no interest in me for that purpose. I have read that in general women don't care much for emotional males such as myself. From my marriage, i have two wonderful daughters, and i have great relationships with them.

i'm not sexually active and probably never will be again. It's not worth the aggravation.

No Name

Hi No Name,

You must not read much if you never read about women wanting sex anywhere but in columns like mine. Go pick up The Sexual Life of Catherine M. if you don't believe me. Some of us don't need begging or pleading to get us in the mood (though gifts are always encouraged).

Not to be a grammar nazi, but the fact that you use a little "i" might have a lot to do with your lack of hot booty action—perhaps your penchant for lowercasing your bad self is symptomatic of a deeper problem. I'm not sure what you mean when you say women don't like "emotional" men like yourself, but if by emotional you mean crippled by low self-esteem, you are correct. Everyone is attracted to confidence. I suggest you go get yourself some. That's an order.

Want hot booty action? Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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