I'm newly divorced and enjoy your views of the dating scene immensely. But in regard to this column [Dategirl, "Online Love Tips Revealed!" Aug. 22], I must protest. You did not give information about which Web sites to go to to find prospective companionship! Any details would be greatly appreciated. One other question I have is how do you get your photograph online if you do not have digital equipment and are computer illiterate? Being a white male, I certainly could not go to my friends who have such machinery. They would become suspicious of my motives, and as I cannot lie, the truth would be found out and I would be horribly humiliated. Since my departure from my ex, I have lost over 70 pounds and I am not getting any—and this is coming from a gentleman who is a successful, great-looking businessman, 45 years old, blond hair, blue eyes, is very fashionable, drives a luxury car, acts in only the most proper manner, and pays for everything. I don't get it. Maybe it's the single parent thing. Anyway, thank you for your time and consideration in helping ignorant males like me.
Your Humble Reader
Dear Humble Reader,
Prepare to be humbled even further. As idiotic as it may seem, I give my fellow humans a certain amount of credit for having at least a dollop of functioning gray matter lurking between their ears. Once again, I am proven wrong. There are myriad dating sites (including one on the personals page of www.seattleweekly.com) which cater to different demographics. You just have to poke around and see which one has the kind of women who might interest you, and more importantly, caters to the rare and elusive dame who might be interested in a scintillating hardbody like your bad self.
But that's beside the point. If you're too retarded to figure out how to get your picture online and too afraid that your white techie friends (what's that about?!) might mock you if you ask for help, you don't deserve to get laid. Ninety-nine percent of dating is an exercise in abject humiliation. If a little thing like copping to the fact that you're using technology to get yourself a piece sends you spazzy, there's no way you could handle the degrading spectacle dating almost inevitably degenerates into. Stick to your fancy car and successful business; leave the dating to us professionals.
I think part of the reason I haven't made it past three dates with any girl since I moved here (two and a half years ago) is that I have become too picky. I swear it's not my fault! The last few girlfriends I had were so incredible, smart, and sexy that to get involved with anyone of lesser stature is just a waste of time and energy. They even convinced me not to have sex until I'm in love again! I know that might sound crazy (especially from a guy), but I feel I have no other choice. It's been hard at times (literally), but I feel it will be worth it when that special someone crosses my path. Perhaps you're wondering, "If you were with such amazing women, how did you fuck that up?" Well, although those girls had many qualities I love (independent, outgoing, artistic), they were missing one key thing: being a kind and giving person. In the haze of new love I overlooked that, and it cost me dearly. But now those qualities have moved front and center, and I'm willing to wait as long as it takes to find someone who fits the bill. Until then, I've got friends, family, art, and masturbation to keep me busy. Am I crazy (as all of my male friends insist), or am I to be applauded for my high standards (as most of my female friends think)?
Poor, sweet Hold Out,
Your female friends are clearly messing with you, and if they're not, you need to get new ones because they're lunatics. The boys are right: You need to get laid. You've built this mythical Ms. Right up into such a goddess that no mere mortal will ever be able to fill her skivvies or get into yours. Ditch your checklist and lower your standards immediately. I'm worried about you.
Consult a professional: Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.