Twisted & Bitter


Twisted & Bitter

  • Twisted & Bitter

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    Dear Dategirl,

    Ooh! That one [Dategirl, Sept. 25] stung. Nails for breakfast, or did he not call on your birthday? So we're all Ted Bundy now? Just makes the point that despite the constant complaint (Where are all the nice guys?), you girls really want bad boys or pretty boys with casts, so you can reform and mother them. Give us guys a break.

    So you're afraid to crack a smile, but not to show the crack of your ass. Don't tell me those push-up boobs don't say come and get it. Any guy who doesn't look like Brad Pitt, or Ted Bundy, must win his prize with difficulty. It takes time, effort, cash, and a combination of boldness, desperate chances, and luck. Dategirl, I'm surprised at you! Cynicism has crept into your crooked humor. Keep this up and you won't have anything to write about.

    Smiley Face

    Hola Smiley,

    Though the point of your letter eludes me, you are correct that I am becoming a cynical shrew. I'm not sure when it happened. Maybe it was when my just-fired shrink started stalking me. Or when the actor I'd been seeing hit on my friend in front of me. Perhaps it was last month, after the Israeli sound engineer tried to date rape me, or two weeks ago, when the herpetic bass player wanted to monkey about sans condom and then never called again after I vetoed love without a glove.

    Anyway, it doesn't really matter when cynicism crept in and smothered my normally cheery, optimistic nature; what matters is that it did. I will try to overcome my newfound pessimism. But for now, no, I won't give you guys a break. (Nor will I show you my ass crack.)

    Dear Dategirl,

    I have often heard women say, "If I could only find a nice guy, I would be happy." I don't think so.

    I am a good-looking 32-year-old man with a professional job who is considered to be a nice guy. I have dated women who invariably seem relieved to meet a nice guy, only to return to guys who treat them like crap.

    I understand that movies, magazines, and commercials tell women they are not beautiful enough, smart enough, capable enough, etc. One would think that when a caring, thoughtful guy comes along and tells a woman that she is beautiful and special, she would stay for more. No such luck. To the jerk she goes.

    Women I've spoken with acknowledge that while dating a nice guy might be a wiser choice, they only "fall in love" with assholes. The worse a man treats a woman, the more intense her feelings for him. No wonder assholes never change. Women, please stop complaining and admit that you don't really like nice guys.

    Jerk in Training

    Hi JIT,

    Though I've had quite the run of assholes lately, none appeared to be scumbags at first glance. The gents I described above were employed, bathed regularly, and sincerely seemed like good boys. Let me tell you what I think about genuinely nice guys: They're a rare breed.

    Take you, for example. You feel that because women are bombarded with media images of perfection, we should throw ourselves at the first mook who tosses a compliment our way. If we refuse to be grateful for tidbits of insincere flattery, we're masochists. I get letters like yours all the time. Instead of looking at yourself realistically to figure out why you're not getting any, you blame it on a (likely imagined) quality that we ladies are somehow too ignorant or psychotic to appreciate. Please.

    Allegedly nice guys fall into two categories: the sniveling pantywaist who stinks of desperation, and the repressed angry guy who's only sweet because he thinks it'll get him a piece. Truly nice guys don't drone on about how swell they are. And I've got more unpleasant news for you—women who tell you they only fall for jackasses are saying this to keep you from pestering them; and half the time, when a broad dumps you claiming she's getting back together with an ex, it's to spare your feelings. Obviously, sparing anyone's feelings is not on my agenda for today.

    Naughty or nice? Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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