I decided to not be one of those whiny girls, always complaining about not meeting anyone. So, I took action by putting an ad online. Everyone warns women to be careful of the pervs and psychopaths, but no one ever mentioned BEWARE OF THE CLOSETED GAY MEN!! Did I miss a chapter in the online dating book? Does this happen often? I think I'm more confused than the poor guy in question.
When we corresponded via e-mail, I was so excited—we had so much in common. I had wanted to meet someone fun to hang out with, and that is what I found. He would like to get together again, but I think he is hoping I'm the woman that will change him. Poor boy. Gotta feelin' he ain't gonna find her. This girl has known many gay men (friends, bosses, co-workers, etc.), so my gaydar is very keen.
Any suggestions? I'd love to have him as a friend, but I don't want to play a part in his denial.
Not a Beard
In addition to several nice guys, I've met a rude actor, an evil creep, and a junkie during my dip in the online dating pool, but I've yet to come up with a closet case. Congrats on your find! I don't know that gay boys attempting to be straight is strictly an Internet-based phenomenon, but it's easier to disguise many things over e-mail than in person. I once dated a man in deep denial, but unlike sensible you (and despite serious doubts), I took the guy's word for it when he insisted he was hetero. One big tip-off was that he kept coming up with reasons not to have sex. After much prodding, he eventually told me that female genitalia grossed him out, but only after causing me serious heartache and self-doubt. Not coincidentally, this guy was one of the most evil sociopaths I've ever stumbled across—no doubt caused by repressing his true sexual preference. That he was also rabidly homophobic was just the cherry on the sexually dysfunctional sundae.
But your guy sounds sweet, just a bit confused. You should be semi-straight with him. Tell him you really like hanging out with him, but you don't get the stank of boyfriend chemistry offa him. No need to tell him he'd be better off in the "men seeking men" section of the classifieds; hopefully he'll soon figure that out on his own.
I recently got dumb drunk and had some indiscrete wild monkey sex with my friend's roommate—not the first time we have shared a bed. What's morning-after etiquette here, especially if I have no plans on dating this woman but will surely see her again in friendly situations?
There is no one way to behave in this situation, but there are several ways not to be:
1. Do not become a distant jackass upon waking. Be polite, friendly, and sweet as you extricate yourself from the circumstances. Thank her for a lovely evening, kiss her goodbye, and leave. Going to breakfast together just increases the odds that you'll say something stupid.
2. Whatever you do, do not offer a little something I like to call "The Disclaimer Speech." There is nothing more irritating than having spent the night bumping uglies with a presumptuous moron who feels compelled to give you the "I'm not looking for a girlfriend" talk before you've even brushed the hangover offa your teeth. Believe it or not, some dames are pleased as punch with recreational sex.
3. Don't be an idiot the next time you see her. This seems to be a difficult one for most men, so pay attention: The fact that she slept with you—someone who is not her boyfriend—does not mean she's a wretched slut that you can treat like shit. I like to think that the double standard has gone the way of mood rings and Earth shoes, but as a rather moronic acquaintance hissed "slut" at moi a few weeks back, I guess it's alive and kicking—at least among the knuckle-dragging elements of society. This girl is in your social circle, so treat her like you did before you put your penis inside her. Be respectful and kind, and for chrissakes, buy the broad a beer.
Promiscuity problems? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.