For God's Sake

Why is it that whenever God's name is cited in some socio-political controversy or other, no one bothers to talk to him about any of it? All you have to do is ask.

Last week, 19-year-old Port Orchard Eagle Scout Darrell Lambert finally saw his Scout membership revoked after a week's warning that he would get the boot for not renouncing his atheist beliefs. Lambert has been with the organization from the age of 9 and has close to 40 merit badges, but his "no thanks" to any higher power—"Mother Nature would be acceptable," noted brainiac Brad Farmer, Scout executive—goes against the necessary "shared values" of the Boy Scouts.

No one's consulted the Lord, of course. He's got a busy schedule, but he's everywhere, so it's hard not to get a word in if you're persistent—though he's not always so chipper. I hadn't spoken to him, in fact, since we had a little falling-out after he allowed the WB to cancel Felicity ("Oh fer chrissakes, she's graduating from college—what am I supposed to do?" he'd said dismissively). I don't know that he's quite as generous as everyone seems to think he is. But, what with poor Darrell denied his right to wear khaki, I thought, quite literally, God.

I'll tell you what—he was in a mood.

"Look, it's strictly an in-name-only sort of relationship, as far as I'm concerned," God said when I asked him exactly how close he was to the Boy Scouts. "I mean, if they'd consulted me in the first place, they'd never be wearing that outfit. And, Jesus Christ, that kid's 19 freakin' years old; what's he doing in the Scouts, anyway?"

In a surprising turn of events, this is the first time that the Lord seems to be in agreement with the devil. Though overwhelmed with a busy schedule that included getting Eminem on the cover of The New York Times Magazine, the Prince of Darkness also took time to comment on the God-denying Scout's chance of landing in the eternal flames of damnation. Despite admiration for the heathen, said Beelzebub, the simple fact is that Lambert isn't hip enough.

"I'd take [Lambert], but the cut on those pants is all wrong—who's gonna tempt human souls over to the Dark Side dressed like that?" the High Priest of Hell concurred. "That boy has no chance of getting some trim ever."

It seemed to be a good time to ask the Dark Master about the whole "gay" thing—the Scouts' refusal to allow homosexuals into the organization ("This has not been done in a closet," said Scout council chairman Karl Duff, referring to the Lambert decision by way of the federally upheld homo ban. "This type of issue has already been to the U.S. Supreme Court"). Was it the devil that wanted gays to infiltrate in the first place?

"Oh, sure, that was all my idea," he replied, rolling his eyes.

Strangely enough, it was Our Heavenly Father's notion.

"Frankly, I thought, you know, maybe they'd stop with all that 'God and country' b.s. and take in a good piece of theater every now and then," He admitted.

Bless him, after all.

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