Gods, Clods, and Kooks

Dear Dategirl,

I've met a guy. He's good-looking, smart, owns his own business, nice as can be, and has the body of a GAWD! But he can barely hold a conversation and has smaller-than-average equipment. I could squeeze by with the size of the package (hey, I'm a sex guru!), but he's so boring! And he lives three hours away.

I'm at the point where I'm wondering if I should dump his boring butt or give it a bit more of a go because he's a real sweetheart. Geez, am I being a bit shallow?

Shallow, Schmallow. You're dating a dullard. Dump him. There is nothing more excruciating than banging some guy you keep wishing came equipped with a mute switch. Next!

We've been dating for about four months now, and up until yesterday, things seemed good. Suddenly he says he's not attracted to me anymore because I've put on weight. He says he loves and needs me, but sexually, he's no longer "into it." He used to be very much into it—we used to do it five times a night. He dropped this on me last night and says he wants to break up. I demanded to know why, so he finally said it's because I'm too fat. I love this man and can't bear to let this relationship go. We talked about it, and he wants me to change. I'm in so much turmoil and pain it's unbearable. We're also 19 years apart in age—I accept his gray hairs and his wrinkles, but he can't love me with 10 pounds more?

Fuck him. This guy isn't a nice person. Saying you're too fat to fuck is fucked. It's just rude. Waaaaay back when I was a near-anorexic teenager, I had a boyfriend tell me I should lose some weight. I was 115 pounds at the time! I'm 5 foot 6—that's scrawny. Stupid me believed him! Most women have issues with their weight—warranted or not. That he preyed on your insecurity is simply cruel. And I've got news for you; if this geezer's love for you hinges on 10 pounds, he doesn't love you. What would happen if you had some sort of disfiguring accident? What about a mastectomy? Would he stop caring if you only had one booby? I'm guessing so. You've only been together for four months— believe me, you'll get over it.

Maybe you were too skinny before and needed to gain some weight, but 10 pounds is a lot to have packed on in four months. Why do you think that happened? Perhaps you weren't as happy with Se�Citizen as you thought.

Why do women get to have all the fun? It's easy enough to make a woman climax and a little more effort to make a wet bed. What about us men? What would you do if you were on the verge of a climax or orgasm and the "motion" stopped. Why the hell should we go back if we always have to finish ourselves off. You women get your gratification well enough throughout it all. Whatever happened to knowing your body? Women seem to know, and advertise, when they are on the "rag." Liberalists that you are, you don't bother to tell all or claim not to know. Your menstruation cycle has the "ovulation" time. Doing the math with the life span of sperm equals a two-way street. I think us men need to make the point by pulling out when you women are about to "get yours." To all men—there is an equivalent to blue balls for women—it's about time to "give back."

I dig your crazy, freestylin' "approach" to quotation marks! Your tenuous grasp on "sanity" is also a big turn-on! As for your question—why do we gals get to have "all" the fun? Well, I'd have to guess it's because we get to "make a wet bed" with fine fellas like your bad self! You know Dategirl is all about "empowerment," so you go, boy! Gather your "troops" and "give back!"

(FYI, I will be on the "rag" in approximately four days and "got mine" just three days back. I have no idea how the spermies are faring as they got "flushed.")

Dating a dud? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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