Dried-up Flowers of Romance

Dear Dategirl,

I have a problem. I am seeing this woman. We started dating, then after six months we moved in together. Three months later I got called up to active duty with the National Guard for nine months. Now that I am back, I am not attracted to her anymore but I consider her my best friend. What do I do?

Dump her, dum-dum. I'm sure it will not surprise regular readers, who know it's all about me, me, me, but I once faced a similar problem. Way back when, I hooked up with a Sailor Boy who was AWOL from the Navy. Being a fugitive from justice, he couldn't hold a job. Being a fugitive from common sense, I let him move in with me.

As these things tend to go, Johnny Law eventually caught on and carted Freeloading Phil off to the brig. For the first few weeks, I was devastated—writing daily letters and crying my dumb little self to sleep each night. But hell, I was 21, I got over it. Within a month I was out running around, having a great time. Meanwhile, he was locked in a cell thinking about nothing but me and our great big love thang. Now this guy was a sweetheart and a totally foxy piece of ass, but when he got sprung, he could've been the bastard offspring of Jesse Helms and Trent Lott, for all the appeal he held for me. It wasn't that he looked or acted any differently, I was just over it. Kinda like you are.

But unlike me, you're going to do the sensible thing and end it as quickly and painlessly as possible. Me, I hung in there, and became a total bitch in the process, figuring if I were nasty enough he'd eventually break up with me (I know). Unfortunately, his evil mother had prepared him for a lifetime of playing doormat, so I eventually ended up giving up and giving him the heave-ho anyway. I could've saved us both an assload of grief if I'd dumped him as soon as I'd felt the urge.

Dear Dategirl,

I am in a stable, monogamous relationship with an attractive, kind, responsible woman who is a keeper if I've ever met one. The only problem is that I love eating pussy. When "Sue" was younger, she had an extremely unpleasant experience, and now refuses to do it. She even went through counseling and failed to overcome her aversion. It is beginning to occur to me that if I marry her and stay faithful, I will likely never taste the stuff again.

I made a decision that I will seek a tryst partner who will periodically let me feast on her flowers without engaging in any other sort of sexual activity. All I want to do is munch rug every now and again.

I am not writing to ask whether this is right or wrong; the advice I seek from you is how you recommend I find a partner. What do I say if I place an ad to make it clear that I want just this and have no expectations or interest in having anything else? Is there another way besides ads that you recommend?

I've heard of these exotic creatures who eschew cunnilingus, but I can't say I get it. My friend Roxanne's butt-sex-having, nipple-clamp-toting, cock-gobbling, freaky-ass sister has only one boundary as far as Rox and I can figure; she doesn't let boyfriends go down on her. Why? Because she feels it subjugates them! Huh? I can't say I ever looked at it quite that way, but suddenly muff-diving is that much hotter! (Note to self: Find someone to subjugate in 2003.)

But—as usual—I digress. . . . Your biggest problem isn't that you love to dine at the Y, it's that you're hooked up with a dame who doesn't want you to. Your second biggest problem is that you employ euphemisms like "feast on her flowers"—blech, that dried my posies right up! Your third biggest problem (and you thought you only had one!) is that it's one thing to cheat on your girlfriend; it's quite another to be such a dolt that you consult an advice columnist for instructions on how to go about it.

Got problems? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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