Rhymes with Seltzer

Smiley Montanegro of Redmond writes: "I'm blind, OK? Can't see shit. I'm also plenty peeved at your sheet. You don't publish a Braille edition, so your column must be read to me, and I am sick (quite sick!) of the human voice. OK, OK—I'll admit I've got problems.

"What I ask is this: fewer words, and bands that only play instrumentals. I'm not gonna go to no shows—you gotta be joking—so I wish you would recommend some records, tapes or discs (w/out lyrics!) in addition to whatever bullshit your job requires of you in the way of performance data . . . and please, please do it succinctly."

Let me see if I've got this right, Smiley—shows not to attend . . . by people with lyric-free records? OK. Do NOT go see, 'scuse me, hear Canadian trumpeteer and "high-note specialist" Maynard Ferguson. You don' need to be in his vicinity nohow. Y'also don't need to buy none of his discs—for so grandiloquent and meretricious a sonofabitch, he ain't never played worth a ding dang duck dick.

Buy instead: Last Minute Gifts by the Rob Blakeslee Quartet (Louie Records 019, Louierec@peak.org). You'll be glad you did!

Maynard Ferguson plays Dimitriou's Jazz Alley at 8 and 10 p.m. from Wed., Jan. 15-Sun., Jan. 19. $16.50-$20.50.

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