Clods & Monsters


Clods & Monsters

  • Clods & Monsters

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    I've got a big, thick, and impressively ugly cock. It's a heavy slab of meat that's old-man wrinkly, but I'm not an old man. Some of my girlfriends were taken aback initially, but always warmed up to it. One said it gave her a gag reflex, and she hadn't even tried to "throat it" yet. They were joking, but those kinds of jokes stay with you when you're naked and totally distended. Every one of 'em said they'll always remember our intimacy, which can be taken several ways.

    I know I should just accept my equipment for what it is; I've gotten nothing but praise otherwise from my lovers so far. Yet it is damaging when even strangers at my gym tell me I should enter ugliest dick contests. I need your help. Do plastic surgeons "beautify" penises? I suppose this would involve getting circumcised, too. Would any of this change my sensitivity or nerve endings at all? I've got to have feeling.

    Mr. Monster

    You're asking the wrong girl, because to me, the only truly revolting cock is one that won't get hard. Dicks that spill before I've had a chance to fully enjoy them are likewise on my bad list. Freakishly tiny or uncomfortably large man-members can also be less than appealing, but to my way of thinking, a hefty, brutishly ugly uncircumcised cock would only serve to make sex more nasty, which translates to more fun for everyone. Perhaps it's the perverted little Catholic girl buried deep (deep!) inside of me, but I don't see the problem. The French even have a term for something so ugly it's beautiful—jolie laide.

    Most people have one or two or 10 body parts they'd gladly exchange, but there's also a good chance that there's somebody out there who finds that same aberration incredibly appealing. So why not name yourself the first member of your own fan club? Fuck just "accepting" your uniquely you wiener! Instead of being ashamed of that jumbo creased cock, be proud that you have such a unique specimen tucked away in your trousers. People's rudeness will never cease to astonish me, so the next time some noxious gym bunny comments on your package, ask them if they'd like to see it spit.

    I have an ejaculation problem. My problem ain't that I go off too soon or too little or not enough, but that I go off too much when I do go off. You know how most guys shoot out a quick, dribbly spoonful? Well, I shoot out a sustained tablespoon, and it's denser than maple syrup and just as opaque as white glue. If I don't keep up with my fertility, I literally drip semen while soft. I have never exhausted my supply of come, truth to tell. One of my exes used to tell her girlfriends that getting my jizz was the bulk of her exercise and diet. (She did lose weight.)

    Is there some way to slow down my productivity? Having my partners surprised and/or scared by how fertile I am is getting old. I try to tell them beforehand, but they've seen it all, done it all. I want to be normal. I haven't been normal since I was 16!


    You know, I was working up a nice little fantasy thinking about that last guy's big ugly dick, and now you and your weepy one-eyed monster have gone and ruined all that. Thanks. I won't be needing to replace any batteries this evening.

    Dude, if you're constantly dripping thick, gunky stuff outta your joint, for chrissakes, don't waste my time and yours—go see a doctor. Gross!

    Now, just to cheer us all up after that last mess, I'm going to print my favorite letter (so far!) of 2003 in all its unedited glory:

    hey what's up: how you doin i doin great what about you you might be hooker right how am i gone gate the girl between 24-25 asking you if you dont mind soon with me thank you i am 25 years old you might be hook some girl okay good bye

    I love my job.

    Not doin' so great? Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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