No one's contacted me, so I assume I'm not yet being considered for the Nobel Peace Prize. This happens to me every yearI can't say it comes as a surprise. But I have to admit I am a little more disappointed than usual. I've been secretly hoping to hear from some excited friend over the phone, pulling herself away from Judging Amy just long enough to leave a proud "Congrats, buddy, you finally did it" on my voice mail. I really thought this was my year for a minute there, what with my tireless efforts to stop the ominous rise of Ben Affleck in the national consciousness. (Think of the international peace there would be if only we shunned movies like Daredevil and focused, as a united people, entirely on Brad Pitt's lower lip.) And then, of course, when I read that the Nobel committee was contemplating Bono for the prize, as well as perennial nominee Pope John Paul II, I thought, well, hell, this thing's up for grabs. (What, Tom Brokaw isn't in the running?)
I've never been quite sure how the Peace Prize is awarded. Yes, if you've got a Martin Luther King Jr. out there, I'm not gonna argue with you. Albert Schweitzer? Nelson Mandela? Sure, bring it. But whenever potential names for the prize are first bandied about each year, I could swear someone's been buying the Hollywood Foreign Press Association drinks again. Bono's name has been mentioned, apparently, for his tireless effortsit's all about tireless efforts with us, you knowto focus attention on Africa's devastating AIDS epidemic. And, absolutely, I'm glad he's doing something constructive with his time off from the MTV Video Music Awards, especially when other famous people like Goldie Hawn are spending their off-set hours starting foundations to curb the spread of celebrity gossip.
The pope, however, is another matter entirely. They should just award the thing to Mel Gibson, if that's how they feelhe's got seven kids, so I don't think he believes in birth control, either. Let's admit that the only reason Pope John Paul II continues to get nominated is because he's the Susan Lucci of the Nobel Peace Prize: Nobody really thinks he's any good, but he's been playing a sanctimonious bitch for so damn long, you start to feel he oughta get something.
Alfred Nobel stated that he wanted the honor to go to someone who "shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies, and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses." Knowing this, am I to believe that there is actually some guy haggling in a room with a bunch of other people in Norway going, "Oh, no, no, no, my esteemed colleaguewhile I agree he's no Dalai Lama, you have to give it to me that this Mr. Bono really rocks," while some other graybeard counters, "But, come on, doesn't he bug you just a little bit, Hans?"
I'd like to toss my name back into the ring, kids. Why have I been ignored? Nobel also said to honor anyone who "shall have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind." Hel-lohas anyone else out there demanded more male frontal nudity as voraciously as I have? Wake up, Norwegians. Please tell me where I went wrong. It was that Justin Timberlake CD single remix I bought, wasn't it? Snobs.