Parental Guidance

I've been back in town for like six months from a college town where it seemed like dates and women were a lot easier to come by. Now my life is pretty much my job and going out with friends. But that doesn't always lend itself to dating opportunities. My entire social scene changed, and I feel, I guess, a little bit like a rookie.

My parents and family friends are attempting to set me up on dates, which feels a little desperate. And the online dating things seem even worse. Are there other options?

Dateless in Seattle

Wait a minuteonline dating sounds more desperate than having your parents fix you up?!?!? Stop it; you're scaring me. Perhaps you've got a set of those mythical "cool" parents I've heard about but never actually seen, but reallyyour mother suffered an episiotomy and stretch marks on your behalf. Then she wiped your ass and cleaned your poopy diapers for years; is this really the woman you want in charge of your sex life? Please say no.

See, the thing is, now you're dating as an adult. Kiss those fun, easy, frolicksome college hookups buh-bye. This is the real world, and it's ugly out here. Make no mistakethe life of a dater is not an easy one. Just when you're sure you've met someone great, they'll do something shockingly odd, like whip their dick out mid-make-out (on the street) and spew jizz all over your nice cashmere coatand hey, you were just kissing; you hadn't even rubbed up against him! Then there you are, stuck with a dry-cleaning bill and the knowledge that the tongue that was just darting around inside your mouth belongs to someone who will no doubt be arrested for public lewdness at some point in time. But maybe that's just me.

Seriously, dating is not for the weak of heart (or stomach). I don't know if you possess the spunk and resilience necessary to be good at it. I mean, who's more resilient than meand I suck. But unless you want to be alone, there aren't many other options. You can meet someone at the office (which actually has worked for me), cruise bars (which has netted me several charming alcoholics), try personal ads (mixed results), or ask friends (note that I did not say family!) to fix you up. (I must offer this disclaimer: I have only suffered wildly unsuccessful fix-ups; but I blame my friend poolperhaps yours is better.)

As for other optionsyou might consider a nice mail-order bride. Maybe "Dategirl" translates to "desperate dude looking for love" in Russian, but these needy babes are always clogging my e-mail inbox with plaintive offers of marriage. Normally I just hit delete, but this gal seemed rather charmingperhaps she's the one for you:

Hello my name is Ariana.

I live in Russia and I am looking to get out, as I have no future here. I have no good work here, and all the men here drink a lot or do not treat women good.

I am looking for a man who works hard and is nice to be with me in all ways. I am joining this internet club at our coffee house to find a man who wants to meet a nice girl and I can be special for him.

Please sign-up, and look for my name online so that we can meet. You can browse pictures of many nice Russian girls looking to come to America and meet a nice man, like myself.

I hope to meet you soon.

Sure, the part about her wanting a nice man "like myself" gave me pause, but what the hell. If you're interested, e-mail me and I'll send you her URL.

I love hairy women. Where can I meet and have some fun with this type of woman?


Hippie broads are notoriously hairy, so I'd recommend a Phish concert or a Rainbow gathering. An added bonus being that hippie chicks are also into all that free love crap, which means they're none too picky about who pokes them.

Fix-up fiasco? Write Dategirl at or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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