The Ataris

In Pittsburgh, they're called tobos. Residents of Hartford know them as sarsaps, possibly short for sarsaparilla, that New England soda fountain treatand what's a fountain w/out a grill? You want one in Houston, meanwhile, a town with a large Norwegian-American populace, you'll call for an Oslo . . . and like it. In ClevelandOhioans are strange!they're fondly dubbed wee wollies. Can you imagine ordering a bacon-chili-cheese wee wolly? Stranger still is St. Paul, home of the bunstuffer, where beef is but one available "stuffin'," and popular combos include: double beef; mixed beef and tuna; (a triplethe "bunstuffer deluxe") beef, herring, and sweet pea.

At the outskirts of Denver reads a sign which sez: "WelcomeTry our famous ground batblow sandwichA treat." Asbury Park hosts the catjackthese are all "generic" terms, by the wayhence the expression "cruisin' for catjacks." Continuing the animal theme, we come to New York, N.Y., the fabled Apple, where they're known, curiously enough, as hotdogs. Not to be outdone is Racine, Wisc., where they're colorfully referred to as murdered mammal patties. In Boise, they're Ataris. San Jose: falphadallies. When in Cedar Rapids, make that East Cedar Rapids, ask for a corn-on-the-cob, while yonder in West Cedar Rapids, be sure to smack down some bordellos ࠧo-go.

And so on and on, till we reach the safe, sunny shore of our hallowed metropolis: S*e*a*t*t*l*ehome of the one 'n' only hamburger. So named for our fair sister city, Hamburg, Germanyand proud of!

The Ataris play the Showbox at 8 p.m. Mon., April 7 with Juliana Theory, Further Seems Forever, and Yellow Card. $15.

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