April 30May 6, 2003


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Reckless you're not. Even at your wildest (which, admittedly, can be very wild), you're more responsible than most other signs. Still, I advise you to throw caution to the wind this week. Your creative juices have dried up a little, and even though that makes the fruits of your labors all the more sweet, like raisins, you'd benefit from a floodlike incursion of new energyand the only way to break some of the inner dikes you've built to keep you rigidly on course is to really lose control, even for a little while. Be irresponsible! Wreak havoc! You're more than capable of repairing the minor damage you might inflict, and besides, considering all the crazy shit you've put up with from your friends, you have more than a lion's share of understanding and forgiveness coming your way.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I dreamt you were rolling up an old carpet when you suddenly noticed a decrepit corpse in there. You panicked; you couldn't remember killing anyone, but who else could have done it? I take it to mean that you long ago swept some minor sin you'd perpetrated under the rug, and basically forgot about it. But instead of dissolving into dust as it should have, it's festered and grown until it's become a problem that far outsizes your original slightly evil act. You can't just take the predicament out with the trash; it's bound to come back to haunt you. Deal with it this week, before it gets any bigger or reanimates.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Kick the ass of anyone who tries to make a case with you using lawyerese, corporate jargon, or soft-pedaled euphemism. Order them to tell it like it is, or suffer the consequences. If "softening enemy targets" means "killing children by accident," you want to know. There are nasty villains invading your life who'd like to put neutral-sounding words between you and their rather malevolent actions. Consider yourself warned; if you're not diligent about forcing everyone to use painfully clear language, you could agree to something you definitely want no part of.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You've done a good job of singing in the rain so farthat is, keeping your spirits high and your radiance turned up, despite less than ideal circumstances. I'm glad you remembered that what actually happens to you is only half of your experience; how you react to it is the half you can control. Unfortunately, there's no gap in the clouds for at least another week. Fortunately, you're likely to stay fully charged and shining despite all that. Isn't that better, in a way? Laughter through tears is always richer than just a plain old chuckle by itself.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Hey, squirt. You poor thing; you're likely to have people talking down to you all week. If you're not fully cognizant of what's going on, you're in serious danger of acting like a baby. However, the best way to show up all those condescending losers you're forced to deal with isn't calling them on it; you're too likely in that case to sound like a petulant child. Your ideal recourse is ignoring them instead and dispatching your duties with your typically amazing aplomb. Eventually, left to their own devices, those patronizing pricks will realize what assholes they were, and apologize to you. Resist rubbing it in their faces too hard, and keep your response to a simple, "I know, dear. I know."

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Just because someone you know and respect is willing to publicly advocate your viewpointthereby giving it legitimacydoesn't make it automatically correct. While standing by your convictions is an admirable quality, when those beliefs are misplaced, they just make you look pathetic and ignorant. As that may well be the case this week, at the very least double-check the facts upon which your certainty is based. Don't disappoint those who count on your notorious fair-mindedness. Changing your mind every other day displays vacuous vacillation. Revising your opinion based on a convincing and compelling argument demonstrates virtuous versatility.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

In the week after his booed (and cheered) comments at the Academy Awards, sales for Michael Moore's book, Stupid White Men, rocketed it back to the top of the best-seller lists, and the Dixie Chicks' record sales rose after they spoke out against their fellow Texan, President Bush. In other words, despite what mainstream media might have you believe, rebellion is very in right now. Whatever you're up against, don't be afraid to speak out. You won't be punished or condemned. Au contraire; you're most likely to be generously rewarded.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Make your opponents laugh. Humor is almost always the best way to express dissent or a viewpoint that's unpopular among your adversaries (for visual aids, check out www.jesushatesyour.com). You, of all people, should avoid preachiness in all its forms; you were blessed with wit and charm that would be ill-served by a well-intentioned but tedious sermon. This week, you have the chance to change the minds of most of those perched on fences in your neighborhood. I guarantee the best way to knock them off their precariously balanced positions is instigating a good, deep belly laugh.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Keep your ear to the ground. If you pay attention, you'll notice some subtle hints regarding an idea that's percolated in the back of your mind for so long you'd nearly forgotten about it, suggesting that it's primed for exploration and manifestation. Listen for the rumble of distant hooves; the much-needed cavalry you requested months ago is finally on its way. Your long patience is about to be rewarded. The "battle" you feared to begin way back when, because it would be too costly and arduous, will now flow so smoothly in your favor that to call it a struggle would be patently incorrect.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

My car has been immobile and pathetic for two months now, with a flat tire and a smashed-in window. I've been too broke to fix it, but I'm hoping to remedy that soonwhich reminded me of you. An important part of your personality has been abandoned and broken down on the side of the road for ages, but this week your inner mechanic should have it up and running again. Think of how good it will be to finally have the freedom you've been missing, to roll down the windows and feel the wind in your hair. Just beware a cheap fix. Do it right; you don't want to overheat or go kaput again five miles down the road.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Change is in the air. Although the sharp right turn you've just taken will inevitably involve some compromises, the positives will far outweigh the negatives, if only you'd notice. Unfortunately, one small drawback is likely to eclipse all the benefits this week. Be sure to look past your momentarily inflamed emotions. If you do, the swelling will soon go down, and the overwhelmingly positive nature of your recent decisions will be so obvious, you'll wish you'd never paid the slightest bit of attention to the tiny fleck of shit that initially flew in your eye when it all hit the fan.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building. In fact, bid good riddance to every last vestige of bloated glamour still lingering in the corners of your life. From now on, it's sleek, elegant, healthy flash with substance, not the empty, self-destructive glimmer and glitz you were settling for before. With Venus in your sign and your ruling planet, Mars, in the realm of those heady, brilliant Aquarians, you've got brains to back your beauty and reason behind your rhyme. You're operating on a grander scale. Forget Atlantic City cheese; you're Vegas now, baby. Vegas!


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