Normal Guys Need Love, Too!

You always make a big deal about the stresses of being in a relationship to get sex. What about all of us guys who are in relationships and are not getting any regular loving? A lot of my guy friends in long-term relationships say the same thingthe sex just tapers off after a while.

And we're not talking about guys who have gained a 100 pounds or live in front of their PlayStation. These are active, committed guys, with jobs, who just would like to continue having some of the sex they had at the beginning of their relationships.

We always hear from the losers who can't even get the girl or women complaining about the "jerk that left." How often do you hear from regular guys who end up having to go without and won't go to a professional or have an affair? I'm not talking about the guys who want to wear their wives' clothes or have them dress up in an animal costumejust good old-fashioned hot reciprocal hetero sex. I know that isn't very exciting for an advice column, but for some of us, that's all we're looking for.

Begging but Not Paying

Hi Begging,

Most people who write in complaining I only publish letters from mental cases and losers don't ask questions themselves, so thank you for doing so.

Relationships are an assload of work. Merely staving off the midlife gut bulge and avoiding video games isn't enoughespecially if you have kids. Women, whether they work outside the home or not, generally tend to end up doing most of the crap work around the house. The first step to getting laid within the confines of marriage/LTR is to do half the housework and do it well. There is nothing genetic that precludes a man from washing a floor correctly. Laundry is not brain surgery, nor is it an ovary-specific talent. If you aren't sure what you're doing, either look it up or ask someone (not your wife). If you truly suck at cleaning (like I do), pry open the wallet and hire a cleaning person to come once a week.

Once you start pulling your weight, keep your yap shut about it. This is very important. Your wife doesn't expect a trophy or standing ovation because she did the dishesthere's no reason you should. This isn't something you're doing for her, it's something that you should've been doing all along. And don't expect she's going to drop trou and spread the first time you dust the Hummel collection.

The next step is to be nicer than you usually are. No matter how good a guy you might be, you can always be sweeter. Offer a sincere compliment at least once every day or two, and supplement it with the occasional gift (not of the housewares or lingerie variety). You don't have to spend a lot of dough, just listen to her (listen!) and purchase accordingly. Flowers are usually welcome (avoid roses, mums, and carnationsthink outside the vase). Again, don't expect a blow job outta the deal just because you mentioned how pretty she is and threw a couple posies her way.

Spend time on and with her. Remind her and yourself why you got together in the first place. It sounds crass, but romance can beif not manufacturedat least helped along. My now-dead ex told me he knew it was over between us when I quit showering with him. Watch out for things like that.

You should also practice being affectionate without thinking ahead and wondering if you're going to get ass out of it. Touch her face. Hug her. Make out for making out's sake, and make it clear that's all you want. I remember a friend in high school telling me how sad she was that once she finally had sex with her boyfriend, they could never again "just" make out. He was always looking for more. They were teenagers, but I think a lot of people in long-term relationships get that wayand that's just sad, because necking is one of the most fun things ever. (Especially when you give hickeys!)

You're lucky you found someone to love who loves you back. Behave accordingly. Sex will follow.

Don't get it? Write Dategirl at dategirl@ or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

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