Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Partying is for other signs. The focus of your birthday month, unfortunately, is work, not fun. Tragically, the universe channels nothing but tough love for you Virgos. Hey, don't nag (or stab) the messenger; I'll applaud you if you say, "Fuck it,"take off for Cancùn, and spend your savings on piña coladas. However, I doubt your ambitious goals will allow such a happy jaunt. They require a shitload of hard labor, and the cold fact is you'll have an easier time accomplishing said labors while the sun is coursing through your sign than during any other big block of time all year. Blow it off if you want. Woohoo! But if I were you, though I'd punctuate my toil with a glee-filled reckless night or two, I'd mostly concentrate on getting shit done, since it'll take half as much time and effort as it will later.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Half-assed gestures have gotten old. It's time for you to do something, anything, definitively. This week, don't spend more than 30 minutes internally debating anything. Make a decision, stick to it, and follow through on whatever's required of you. You've put out so many mixed messages in the past month that your friends are ready to sign you up for an ESL class. Make yourself understood, because more than anything else, people in your life need to know where they stand with you. No more equivocation. Bullshit PC sentiments like, "I hate labels," are too fucked to tolerate right now, and people won't. If someone asks you something, say "Yes" or "No," not "Maybe."

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Integrative medicine, which utilizes a combination of Western medical techniques and a myriad of so-called "alternative" therapies, like acupuncture, homeopathy, and lifestyle changes, is fundamentally different than typical Western medical practice. It recognizes each individual as different, requiring different treatments, and treats the doctor-patient relationship as a partnership, whereas traditional doctors treat symptoms, not patients, and consider themselves unassailable authorities and patients merely passive recipients of the drugs they prescribe. Being a natural healer (and, yes, destroyer; they go hand in hand), you've long known that the same problem can and should be solved different ways by different people. Now recognize that your crisis won't respond to traditional treatment. Come up with your own way to cure yourself. You can.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Selflessness is your call word. The most important things you do this week are likely to be about and for everyone but you. Yes, you'll have the spiritual fulfillment that comes with kindness and generosity, but this is not about fluffing your ego. Do right by the folks you love because it is right, not because you need to in order to feel right about yourself. So whether you're dishing out pity fucks or soup-kitchen scraps, remember who they're for: the people who need these things, not the sweethearts who deliver themnot you, but them.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Don't wait until you're backed to the wall. Right now you have choices, albeit difficult ones. As thorny as your current options seem, let me assure you that you don't want to get to the point when you have none left. You're loath to face the hungry tigers or stinking vats of shit behind doors one and two, but they're not going anywhere. Door three is positioned just out of sight behind one (or perhaps both) of the doors in front of you, but you'll never see the happier reality glimmering behind it until you wade through the crap and claws between here and there.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Tiptoe. The only way you'll get where you're going right now is through stealth. The monsters guarding the prize have been nearly awakened by your recent clumsiness; they're more alert and violent than ever before. Total silence and patience are all that will get you past those lightly sleeping dragons. So strip off the clanking armor you've been wearing and leave your arsenal of cumbersome weapons behind. They won't do you much good in the labyrinth you're entering; if the dragons awaken, you're cooked.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Unfuck your mind. You've finally realized how often you've fallen prey, in the past, to two classic Piscean traps: (1) Many of the buffers and safe zones you've created for your own psychological safety have ultimately trapped and suppressed you, instead of keeping the harshness of the world out. In other words, they're more prisons than havens. (2) You've accepted too much at face value, because it was easier than constantly questioning things. Passively absorbing society's programming has made you less wise or courageous about money, love, stability, and responsibility than you'd otherwise have been. It's time to correct those errors. It may be harder to weed out the shitty ideas and thorn walls that have taken root than it would have been to prevent them from being planted in the first place, but it must be done.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Mars, your ruling planet, will be closer to Earth on Aug. 27 than it has been in nearly 60,000 years. Astrologically, that means you'll notice a marked amplification of your natural superpowers (with some or all of them careening out of your immediate control) and an increased tendency to make foolish mistakes. Don't get aggravated or embarrassed by your gaffes; most of us find them endearing. But be cautious regarding your more esoteric skills. In other words, be exceedingly careful what you wish for; you're likely to get two of it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The proof of (and validation for) your dependability has endowed you with more self-confidence than ever before. You've got your shit together, so much so that you're more open to adopting a pet or conceiving a child than you'd previously been. There's no question whether you can hack the added pressure and responsibility. You're solid. But recognize that your ability to carry that burden is independent of your desire, which could very well change in a month, year, or decade. If you have any doubts at all about taking it on, get a goldfish, not a golden retriever.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You've made so many people around you eat their words that now you're pretty much the only skinny person you know. It's nice to prove people wrong when they think the worst (or second best) of you, and I'm glad you've had the opportunity. But don't let it go to your head. Rubbing your current righteousness and superiority in people's faces will backfire and earn you a painful comeuppance. Don't give your naysayers the pleasure of seeing you get blindly cocky, nor the ecstasy of witnessing you being taken down a notch. Shut up and be happy, successful, and best of all, right.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

It's all about preventive medicine. You have the power to wield spiritual prophylactics more effective than condoms. I'd strongly advise that you do so. The alternative is almost certainly contracting an unpleasant malaise or ennui that would be tougher to shake than syphilis. I'd rather not see anything so dull cut into the fun you're supposed to be having, so party safely, Cancer. Don't rely on luck, morning-after pills, or the divine grace of your good karma. They simply can't be counted on right now. In other words, stick to this rule of thumb: Before you stick your head or heart into anything this week, wrap it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Quit your job. That's right; take a leap of faith. The damn thing isn't fulfilling you, and the financial rewards aren't worth what it's costing your soul. Leos should be proud and free, not burdened with thousands of niggling obligations. The way to do right by yourself is to figure out a way to do what you really want, and live off it. Poor and emancipated is better than enslaved and rich; believe me, I know. It's OK if you don't quit today or tomorrow. Leaps of faith can be planned; they can be smart. But eventually (and sooner is mostly better than later), you just have to jump.


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