When women are young, available, and hot, they want a guy who exudes what I call the "power aura." Young girls are naive about men. They think that all "nice" guys are wimps. They want a guy who'll stand his ground and tell them where to get off. So, instead of choosing the smart or secure "nice" guy, they go for the dude with the perpetual scowl or the silent, angry type.
After they finally learn that those guys aren't so fun (if they learn it), then they move to a more mature plateau and start going after men who are a little more sensitive. They usually learn this lesson after the "bad boys" don't want them anymore because they've put on a few years. I'm sure you'll disagree with me, but then again, you've probably been burned by a bad boy or two, haven't you?
Al in Seattle
Sweet Pea, I've been burned by bad boys, good boys, and every kind of boy in between. But you're right. My high-school "sweetheart" was an abusive motherfucker who taught me real early that nice is a quality to be admired. After living with two (relatively) good ones, I find that lately the nice boys are few and far between. I'm always getting duped into thinking I got me a nice one, and then one night we'll be out and he'll duck into a phone booth, peel off his good-guy mask, and reveal himself to be the kind of Satan spawn I was thinking I'd managed to shake. (OK, so maybe I exaggerate. I haven't dated the face of evil for a couple years now.)
You're also right in saying that women age out of dating assholes. I don't think we ladies give up on them because we're suddenly too old for the bad boys (who come in every age range); I think it's more that a girl just gets tired, ya know? Yawn.
I have been dating a guy for a couple of weeks now. I'm at a point in my life where all I want is a good time, so we are not serious. The man is hot. I have a great time every time we get together. He is good at making me feel good. For a while, we did everything one can think of without getting to the deed. The only problem is that the closer we get to the deed, the softer he gets in his pants. At first I thought it was just nerves or something; now I am thinking he actually has a problem. It's not like I am going to marry this guy, I don't even know how long this is going to last, but should I say something?
There are about a bazillion reasons this could be happening. I dated a youngster once who had trouble doing the deed because his head was all jammed up with Madonna/whore Catholic damage. If he really liked and respected the woman he was with, he ran away once they bumped uglies. If he could feel superior to his bone-ee, it was OK to bang her, but he didn't respect or even really care for her. In either scenario, the voices in his head wreaked havoc on his erections. Could be your boy has a variation on this—men sometimes get freaked by women who just want to fuck them. Even though any guy would say that this situation would be ideal, it doesn't always play out that way in their pants. After all, you're saying he's good enough to fuck, but not good enough to marry. And yes, if you were all over him, begging for a commitment, you'd have a whole other set of problems on your hands. (And to all you horny jackasses getting ready to write in and offer to bone this babe, don't bother. Ain't gonna happen.)
A girl can't win, can she? What I would suggest is that you keep things the way they are for a while and hope he learns to relax into an erection. If his chimp is still limp in maybe three dates, cut him loose. Please note that if you were interested in getting seriously involved with this guy, I'd offer you very different advice. But if it's just a sex thang and you ain't getting any, why bother?
Can't find a good one? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.