No Moore

Aside from the fact that I'd probably give Donald Rumsfeld any names and addresses he wanted if I thought it would get me a front row ticket to Madonna's latest tour, I'm a good liberal. I vote solidly Democrat, though I'll confess I threw a bone to Nader during Clinton's re-election bid. I volunteer at least a few hours every week for a place that desperately needs my services (and, no, I'm not talking about the sauna at the gym, smartass). I take the time to wash my Ziploc storage bags so I can use them over and over again. I recently even swore off watching Elimidate because I finally realized that I can't profess concern for humanity and enjoy living vicariously through boozy slatterns astride pantless Neanderthals in Jacuzzis. I'm trying to be the best person I can be—really, I am—so please keep all of this foremost in your thoughts when I tell you that I don't much care for Michael Moore.

Are you still reading? I know, I know—I feel like a traitor. Moore just got the Palme d'Or at Cannes for his Bush-bashing Fahrenheit 9/11, the first documentary to win the top honor in almost 50 years, and I'm supposed to be jumping up and down because now it will get distribution after Disney unceremoniously dumped it. But, I don't know, I really don't care. I'm not the first guy to suggest that Moore is basically Rush Limbaugh for the left, and while I'm thrilled that there is one, I just can't seem to enjoy it. I mean, is there anyone who's going to see his film who doesn't currently believe that Bush and his allies are a bunch of ignorant, duplicitous criminals? I support any artist sticking it to stuffy, straight, old white conservatives, believe me, but I don't think it takes an artist to make them look like boobs.

Want to hear something worse? I didn't even bother seeing Bowling for Columbine. I loved Moore's brazen acceptance speech when he won the Oscar for it, but I already know guns are bad, and for some reason I always get a little queasy and irritated watching Moore embarrass idiots on the right. I'm totally willing to accept that it's just my bourgeois defensiveness. Maybe I'm afraid of confrontation. Or maybe I suspect that Michael Moore is the kind of guy who's going to make me feel guilty for watching Smallville just because he's learned that some Republican doorman at the WB has a sister-in-law who once bought a sweater from the Kathie Lee Gifford Collection at Wal-Mart.

I'll try to pull myself out of these feelings. I'll rent Columbine, and I swear I'll be open to the possibility of loving it. I do also know that I should not dink Fahrenheit without having seen it first. Hell, I hope the movie changes the world. I'm only expressing myself because I feel it may help other unhip liberals living with my shame. So, anyone else secretly believing that if Jim Carrey made Ace Ventura 3 on digital video and featured his butt cheeks mouthing the words "George W. Bush is an asshole," it would make a splash at Cannes, too—you're not alone.

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